Observation Deck

Happy New Year!

2011-12-31T18:26:00.000-05:00

2011

2011-12-31T17:43:00.003-05:00

2011 has been a banner year for me, creatively. I made 4 movies last year: Survived by... (written and produced), Never Gonna Let You Die (produced), Sticking Points (written) and Demon Unbound (co-written, produced, voice-over intro). I signed with Blue Feather who will publish my second novel, Clandestine, in 2012. I was a scriptie on a Doritos commercial hopeful and a non-speaking actor on a local commercial for a theater company which should be out early in 2012. I began working on a feature screenplay with a very talented young man which will also be completed and hopefully filmed next year. We reached our goal with the help of some very generous donors and will be able to get Survived by... into several film festivals next year.

I was featured in an article in the Columbus Dispatch regarding the women's clinic of the local VA. I was invited to speak at the Dallas Jewel Lesbian Book Club. I was inducted into the Royal Academy of Bards Hall of Fame. I am making connections in the local film community that will only make the creative endeavors more plentiful.

We got a cat - unexpectedly - this year. I've missed having a cat and, thankfully, she's an affectionate (albeit chatty) little thing. Liam's health seems great and we are fortunate to still have Nikki.

I've had some health issues but nothing that's killed me. Yet. :-D

But the best thing that happened in 2011 is that a baby was born into the family. My grandniece, Kady.

Life goes on.

Out with the old, in with the new.

Crash The Superbowl

2011-11-16T13:55:00.002-05:00

Saturday, I worked on a Doritos commercial for a contest called Crash The Superbowl. If you click on the title, it should take you to our little entry (after the introduction).

If you go to the gallery, you can watch our competition. Settle in because there's a lot. We all think we have a shot, though.

http://www.crashthesuperbowl.com/#

It was a long, fun day - 13 hours for 30 seconds of film. It's a shame that the time is so short because there was a lot of fun footage that wasn't/couldn't be used. I was script supervisor so, even though I had to be there for the duration, I wasn't a part of the creativity process this time.

So, relax, open a bag of Doritos, watch our entry and send it to all your friends.

Here's the link, if clicking on the title doesn't work:

http://www.crashthesuperbowl.com/#/gallery/?video=11651

Another Open Letter To The VA

2011-11-15T15:24:00.011-05:00

Tomorrow, I go for another medical evaluation at the Veterans Administration here in Columbus. This is the first of a two part eval, the second to take place a week from today. This will be my seventh attempt (second in Columbus) to have my 10% service-connected disability on my foot upgraded to something higher, to have my 0% service-connected disability related to my bladder also upgraded and to have them recognize and document that because I spent four months at Fort McClellan, Alabama rolling around in toxic dirt, eating toxic food, drinking toxic water and breathing toxic air in 1977/78 (60 Minutes called it the most toxic place on the planet because of good ol' Monsanto and the chemical school) that a good portion of my lingering medical issues could very well have been caused from that.

As I said, this will be my 7th appeal. I might as well write a letter of denial to myself and save the VA the time. On the off-chance that this actually might be 'lucky 7,' though, I'm going to go through with it. Only because I am putting new issues before them and I'm curious to see how they handle them. I am sure it will be with the same amount of 'honesty' they have in the past. Deny, deny, deny and if you cannot deny, then outright lie.

If I were to write another letter to the VA, it would probably say something like this:

Dear VA,

Thank you so much for the opportunity to once again go through the motions of pretending you actually want to see an honest outcome of an actual examination and a medical opinion of an examining physician who was literally in the same room when the evaluations were being conducted. However, after 6 denials since 2004, I am pretty much an expert at how this will work.

First of all, I'm sure you have a template in your files just for me. All you have to do is change the dates and the name of the physician...and of course the different evaluating VA. Other than that, all your denial letters are worded exactly the same.

Although I do have to say, I found the one I received last year pretty amusing, since you had me attending appointments at the VA in Tampa, Florida (even though I've never been to that one). I also found your sarcasm to the seriousness of my foot injury because I was wearing a "store-bought" foot brace rather funny - since that brace was issued to me by the White River Jct., VT VA Hospital. And then saying that you needed more information about me as a Gulf War veteran. The only "gulf" war I've ever been involved in was not paying too much at the pumps for Gulf Gas. Of course, if you actually communicated with other VAs and all had the same rules instead of acting like individual franchises, it might make a difference in the information you actually have. You also can't seem to make up your collective minds about whether vets with 10% service-connected disability gets free eyeglasses or not. They do in California and Delaware but not in Vermont, Pennsylvania or Ohio? Shouldn't it be one rule straight across the board? There were a few other issues, too. I'm sure I'll remember them once this is posted.

I often wonder if you go out of your way to ensure the examining/eval docs are the most obnoxious you can find. Or if you specifically schedule doctors who hail from a culture where women are openly disrespected and chattel, to do the female vet evaluations. You know, male docs that won't even look you in the eye, much less actually touch you to do an exam because it's against their religion? Or the good ol' boys who want to get even with you for having the audacity to "ruin" that good old boys club called the military because you wanted to do something other than the "usual" women's work and, even worse, wanted to be treated equally? Yeah...these guys are a barrel of sincerity when it comes to an honest evaluation. I often wonder why these doctors haven't been recruited by the special ops divisions because, clearly, they must have x-ray vision to be able to see the affected areas they are evaluating without having the patient remove any clothes, shoes or socks to see if there is any swelling or anything else they write down there is none of.

I also find statements such as: The injury has not changed in 30 years, not having frequent UTIs anymore has nothing to do with early onset incontinence, back pain is not a residual of foot injuries, Epstein-Barr Virus is a 'catch-all' doctors use when they cannot pinpoint the actual problem...

Common sense - not a medical degree - tells you that all injuries change over 30 years - especially if they involve the feet. Maybe I don't have frequent UTIs anymore because urine doesn't stay in my bladder long enough to leave bacteria. And I don't even know how to respond to bad feet not causing some back pain. I thought that was common knowledge. I guess that's what I get for thinking. As for the EBV? You don't have to take my or a civilian doctor's word for it; there is a blood test for it!

I also suspect that with these new issues that I'm asking about, there will be excuses for that, too. Even though Monsanto settled with the town of Anniston (next to McClellan) because of the sickness and death the plant caused there, Uncle Sam wants the vets who ate, drank, breathed and low-crawled in the exact same toxic environment to believe they (we) weren't affected by it. Thankfully, a group of affected female vets pushed hard to get this issue to Washington and Rep. Paul Tonko introduced the Fort McClellan Health Registry Act. What this means is that you cannot deny that there was toxic contamination at McClellan. I take that back - you can (and probably will) deny it but there is proof that the toxicity did, indeed, exist. There is also a published list of medical issues that can be connected to toxic exposure. I have 19 of those ailments. And I'm one of the lucky ones because, to my knowledge, none have evolved into anything deadly. Most of which you have treated me for at one of your VAs so they are on record. Records I know will be suddenly difficult for you to locate because, like I said, you act like you have no intranet between the facilities.

For example: Purpura, pre-cancerous moles (6 of which have been removed), head cysts, kidney cysts, diverticulitis/diverticulosis, eye sensitivity to bright light and snow, plantar fasciitis, scarlet fever, swollen joints, early onset bursitis/arthritis of back and hips, GERD, migraines, habitually abnormal pap smears, incontinence, supraventricular tachycardia and depression were ALL diagnosed by your facilities, yet you want ME to provide proof that these ailments/conditions exist. If I remember correctly, an arbitrating judge from Washington, D.C., appeared at a hearing in White River Jct and ordered you to make all of my medical files available. I guess, in a way, it's good to know that you take a judge as seriously as you take your veterans.

And while I'm on the subject of your facilities, let's talk about your health workers and their attitudes. This doesn't apply to all of your employees, of course, but it does apply to a pretty good percentage. I wish that the only people you were allowed to hire were veterans because they understand why other veterans are the way they are. Employees who are vets wouldn't dare treat another vet as though he or she is a leech off the government or as though they are a bother. Employees who are veterans understand that when you raised your right hand to protect and defend your country, that a promise was made to give back to you for your service.

It is my opinion that any civilian health worker who has a veteran for a patient should feel privileged and grateful to be treating an individual who would have died for them, to protect their freedoms (and unfortunately, that freedom also includes thinking some people are "beneath" you in social stature). This attitude seems to be extremely popular to the younger employees who never served. It needs to stop.

What also needs to stop is VA employees who take it upon themselves to shove their religion down the throats of veterans who they feel are 'sinful.' The last thing a vet needs when asking for help is to be judged and persecuted by a misguided individual who needs to be put in their place by a supervisor or fired. You want to preach religion? Work at a church, not a VA.

I'm also curious as to why it took a congressional mandate to finally start developing women's clinics at the VA. After all these years, and more female vets than ever, did you still think women enlisting was a phase? Because that's what it seems like.

The VA system is failing its veterans. Instead of pushing to advocate for those who gave, the VA powers that be in D.C. are pushing to eliminate. Soldiers are giving everything, sometimes their lives, and when it comes time for the government to give back, you seem to do everything within your power to minimize and deny requests that ask for compensation to help with what Uncle Sam took from us. Do promises mean nothing to you? It's not that we're not grateful for the services of the VA system but there's no quid pro quo. The VA needs to show a little gratitude, too.

Especially to those who are coming back from a bogus war. They should be treated with the most dignity because they never should have been sent to Iraq in the first place. If I had my way, the Bush Administration would be paying health and psychological care for these vets with the blood money from their own personal accounts.

But that's a rant for another day.

So, VA, when I darken your doors again tomorrow, I'm going to hope for the best but expect the worst, as usual. I hope I will be pleasantly disappointed.

Until you do right by me and other vets (who are a hell of a lot worse off than I am), I will continue to be,

The Bain of Your Existence.

Nittany Lyin'

2011-11-13T11:07:00.003-05:00

As the Penn State sexual abuse scandal grows, so does the shadow of shame on the community of State College, Pennsylvania. At first, it appeared it was just the school who seemed to have failed in many senses of the word. Now, as more is being revealed, what is coming to light is that town and state officials were just as invested in the cover up as the university was. All of these people who were in fiduciary positions and ones sworn to protect the most innocent among us betrayed that trust in the name of football and the reputation of a school.

Or so it might seem.

Although as horrifyingly shocking as all this is, now that all of the nuts and bolts of it are being laid out for everyone to see, I have to say I'm not surprised at the lengths everyone has gone to protect the reputation of Joe Paterno, the legend, and the legacy of Penn State football at the expense of the violated children. Let's not forget that Penn State was Joe Paterno. He held more power at that school that anyone in the whole state holds over any position. If Joe Paterno had held Penn State's hand to the fire when all this started, he would be a hero, not the disgrace he is now.

I have often said that - except for Philadelphia and Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is still fighting the civil war...on the side of the south. After living in the Harrisburg area (Carlisle, more precisely), I was stunned at how I felt as though I'd been transported back in time. Certainly all modern technology applied and was up to date but attitudes certainly were not.

My former partner, Dottie, and I moved to Carlisle the year Adam (our son) died. We moved there to be closer to her parents, to work on repairing their relationship after Dottie had come out to them two years earlier. We thought it was a good move. I was about to learn just how backward the attitude there really was.

Dottie and I were both 'out' when we lived in Vermont. Our circle of friends - the family we chose - were either 'out' couples or straight-but-not-narrow people. We hadn't lived in Carlisle too long before we both discovered that, for our own safety and peace of mind, we needed to be discreet regarding who we told about our orientation and relationship with each other.

When we went to work, in a factory that made tiny motors for, like, blender or hand vac motors, we were both hired for the assembly line. Both of us, in our 40s, applied for work there, already having supervisory and management experience under our belts, applied for supervisory positions and could get no more than a minimum wage, entry level position on graveyard shift. I discovered quickly that the women in this factory were talked down to and treated like dirt beneath the feet of the male supervisors and the other men who worked there who were also entry level, minimum wage workers. And the women accepted it because it was what they were used to. I remember getting a group of women so fired up one day, they started calling me Norma Rae because I stood up to the supervisors who were so dismissive. Suffice to say Dottie and I didn't last too long in that job.

There were issues that drove us individually to try and file complaints against the company for discrimination and unfair labor practices. The man we attempted to complain to at the Harrisburg State Capitol Building was insulting and snide and told us that the job could treat us any way it wanted to. And damned if he wasn't right with that job and the next one we had. We were women. We were not taken seriously.

I was learning quickly that Pennsylvania had barely made it to the 20th Century, there was no way they were ever going to make it to the 21st. And clearly, except for the two cities mentioned above, they still have not.

Before our escape back into a more modern, civilized society, I had my eyes open to a few other atrocities. And bear with me, I'm getting to why I'm not really surprised at how people behaved and are trying to justify their behavior regarding the Penn State Scandal. The attitude that women were placed on earth for the sole purpose of serving men was only equalled by the hatred and discrimination of minorities. Still. The "N" word is still alive and well in PA. As of 2005, non-whites were still being asked to leave places like the "Eagles Club" regardless of whether or not the person being ejected was a member or not. And there was no one in town to complain to.

Before I continue, let me just say that Dottie's mom got to love me (and vice versa) very much before she died. Her mom was willing to see things beyond the scope and not quite be so traditional when it came to what seeme to be customary in that neck of the woods. Not so much for her dad.

Dottie's parents were church going, Christian people. They were what I consider 'old world' where you ate, breathed, slept and drank whatever your minister said. Unfortunately, their minister preached against not only the sinful homosexual lifestyle but women as equals, as well. Dottie's parents would have preferred that she stay with Adam's father, a lying, cheating, misogynist megalomaniac who treated Dottie like shit and only played father to Adam when people were looking, as opposed to her being with a woman who loved their daughter unconditionally and "adopted" Adam as her own. It mattered none that Adam showed anyone who would look and listen that I was more of a parent to him than his father ever was. It mattered none that, even though they never liked Adam's father, they preferred she had stayed married to him and be miserable than find her happiness with a woman. It didn't matter that he was abusive; he was a man and that's how things were supposed to be.

Dottie had an older sister who was married and had two children. Dottie's sister and brother-in-law considered themselves true "christians". When Dottie's sister discovered that Dottie was a lesbian, she made it a point to make a phone call to Dottie and tell her that she (we) were going to go to Hell because we were an abomination and all that happy horseshit. That really wasn't a surprise. What was a surprise was that, when it came time for Adam to have a bone marrow transplant, we were told that a related donor match would be Adam's best chance for survival. Neither Dottie nor Adam's father were a match. Adam's half-brother was not a match. All of Adam's relatives on his father's side of the family were tested and were not a match. Dottie's "christian" sister refused to be tested or allow her children to be tested to see if they were a bone marrow match for Adam. Adam received two bone marrow transplants and a cord blood transplant from unrelated donors. Adam didn't survive. Dottie's "christian" sister told her it was God's punishment to her for being a lesbian. We were perverts.

Dottie's parents never interfered. They didn't want to ruffle any feathers.

When Dottie's niece and nephew were in their early teens, her niece began to miss a lot of school. At first, we thought her niece may have just been depressed from living in the family home, as dysfunctional as it was. Dottie's sister was a prescription drug abuser and her brother-in-law was monster who manipulated bible verses to ensure he got his way in his household. One day, after a discussion with Dottie's mother, we began to suspect sexual abuse was occurring in the sister's home, added to the other abuses going on there. Dottie had an opportunity to question her niece who revealed bits and pieces of events that pretty much confirmed the kids were being sexually abused by their own parents. We brought the situation up to Dottie's parents and A) they didn't seem surprised and B) they didn't want to get involved.

We then contacted local child services and the niece's school to see what could be done about removing the niece and nephew from the abusive situation. We were told that, without proof, there was nothing we could do. We asked about reporting to the police and having the kids removed and examined. We were told not without the parents permission. ???!!! We reiterated that it was the parents we suspected of being the abusers. We were then told that, in a situation like that, the grandparents could override the parents. We knew contacting Dottie's brother-in-law's parents would be useless as they thought he walked on water. So we went back to Dottie's parents. They refused. Although they believed it might have been happening, it was a "family thing" and they didn't want to ignite the wrath of Dottie's sister. They felt she might keep the grandchildren away so they wouldn't back us up. We went back to child services for direction. Child services called Dottie's sister, told her what we suspected and she told them that we were perverts and she didn't want us anywhere near her children.

We know now that we were right, that her niece and nephew were being sexually abused by both parents. And the state refused to intervene because the parents said it was a lie and the grandparents refused to get involved. What's worse is that later, when both the niece and nephew had children of their own, Dottie's brother-in-law continued the abuse onto his grandchildren. There were many incidents but the one that stands out is that he took pictures of his 4-year-old grandson, naked, and sent them to his son from a first marriage who was in prison. We found this out when the prison opened the mail and halted the photos from ever getting to the intended recipient and somehow, the nephew and his wife were notified (if the prison - which is in Florida - notified the authorities in PA, the PA authorities did nothing to investigate it...which, again, would be no big surprise). The only response from Dottie's nephew? He "spoke" to his dad. ??? The first daughter of the nephew and his wife - at 3 - couldn't keep her hands away from her genitals and had constant urinary tract infections and other indications of sexual abuse. After the little girl had spent time with her grandfather. We went to great lengths to point out to Dottie's nephew and his wife that we felt brother-in-law was sexually abusing their daughter and their son. But...they wouldn't report it (and experience told us that our reporting it would get nowhere). It was a "family" thing to be dealt with privately and not brought out to the public. Yet, even suspecting the abuse was going on, they would not refuse access to their children by Dottie's brother-in-law, the children's grandfather.

But Dottie and I were the perverts.

Because in Pennsylvania, it seems, sexual abuse of children is something that is a "family" issue or an issue that should be swept under the rug and not spoken about or rectified. It's something one keeps under the radar because, heaven forbid it comes out and ruin the reputation of the offending adult and the others helping to cover it up. The way in PA seems to be that they protect the adults at all costs but the children are on their own.

And when an outside source tries to do the right thing, yet has no power, the powers that be would rather pretend it doesn't exist rather than to bring shame on an entity. It seems to be the way of the land. Authority figures would rather err on the side of the (usually male) adults.

So, no, I am not surprised that everyone thought they were righteous in trying to cover up Jerry Sandusky's evil deeds and trying to protect the great Joe Paterno from facing the firestorm doing only what was required of him. The Penn State family was trying to sweep it under the rug because it was a "family" issue that the public need not know. Regardless of who was suffering.

What's worse is that I am sure that the number of people who are involved in the scandal and cover-up don't really understand why they're being touted as the bad guys. From my experience, it's how they're brought up, it's what they're used to.

I think Pennsylvania is still kicking and screaming its way into the 20th Century. Maybe, in a hundred years, they'll move into the 21st. But only if powerful men are still in charge. In the meantime, the victims will continue to suffer.

Catching Up

2011-11-11T17:52:00.002-05:00

I have slacked off in keeping up with my blog. There has been so much going on but now that I have a chance to catch up, I can't remember half of it.

The thrills of getting older. ::Sigh::

Well, we now have a cat to add to our four-legged fur family. We hadn't intended on getting one just yet but, as all things happen with us, the element of the unexpected constantly keeps us on our toes.

One day, one of Brenda's customers pointed out this adorable tiny adult black cat that had shown up on her porch. The kitty was clawless on all four paws and had a skin condition that caused her to lose fur above both eyes, on the backs of her legs and a big patch on her belly. The people whose porch the cat took up residence on already had two cats and two dogs so they couldn't keep her. The woman put 'Found Cat' ads up all over, including on Craig's List but no one contacted her to claim the cat. Brenda then called me and said, "How do you feel about a cat?"

That is how Belladonna Bossy Pants came to join our family. We took her to the vets and had her examined and chipped (whoever had her before had not done that. Please, all of you who have totally indoor cats, have them chipped. If they ever get out, you'll be able to find them if they show up at any shelter), had her shots done and brought her home. Her fur has started to grow back and she seems happy here. We think she is a black Siamese. And we think she may have been the pet of an elderly person who may have died and the family didn't want to deal with the cat. The loss of fur turned out to be a stress/anxiety issue but other than that, this little kitty, who is about 3 years old, was very well taken care of.

Now she's ours and everyone is adjusting, including the dogs. Nikki is jealous because Belladonna can get on our laps and on the bed at night and Nikki can't. Nikki cant't chase her but she can bark up a storm. Liam thinks we got her just for him as a playmate. And he doesn't understand why she won't play. Our only complaint is that she talks all the time. But mostly in the middle of the night. She jumps on the bed, announces her arrival and doesn't shut up.

Other than that, it's all good! Why Belladonna? It just seemed fitting for a black cat found near Halloween. The Bossy Pants is self-explanatory. >^..^<

***

http://www.imdb.com/video/wab/vi2998378265/

I did another 48-type-hour-film festival but this time not for anything local. It was a Producer's Guild of America contest called "Produce This!" The rules had the same parameters as a 48, just on a bigger scale as this was an international competition as opposed to a local one. If you copy and paste the link above, you'll be able to see the short film, written by me and Rick Renner. It was written on a Friday night, filmed on a Saturday, edited and submitted on a Sunday. It could only be about 5 minutes long. The IMDb site has the movie listed as Rifts but it's really entitled Demon Unbound.

The ending credit song is my composition and the voiceover in the beginning is me. We haven't heard whether it won anything or not.

***

We also reached our fundraising goal with Survived by... on our deadline thanks to some amazing people who donated their hard earned money to help this film come to fruition. No matter how many times I say it, I just can't thank them enough.

We are still working on Survived by... post production. We have run into a few minor glitches but nothing that will stop this film from getting out there and seen. First, independent, no budget films are a lot more complicated than anything else because you really learn a lot from the your inexperience. But, that said, we've still got a pretty damn good little film on our hands.

The artwork is of my precious grandniece, Kady Lyn.

There is so much more to catch up on. I just wish I could remember what it was...

My Home Town

2011-08-31T12:04:00.006-05:00

As mostly everyone knows, Hurricane Irene blew through the eastern seaboard of the United States over the weekend. On Sunday, August 28th, she hit Vermont and devastated her.

This is not a commentary that Vermonters were affected worse than other areas slammed by the destruction of Irene but, because Vermont is my hometown and close to my heart, it is why I chose Vermont to blog about.

I was born in Vermont but I did not grow up there. I grew up in Albany, New York. All my relatives, on both sides of the family, stayed in Vermont, most around the area of Rutland, so we usually went to visit a weekend a month and a couple weeks in the summer. As an adult, I moved back to Vermont several times. I enlisted in the Army from Vermont. Although, I have in the past complained that Vermont can be boring and it's difficult to find work there if you are not affiliated with a family business or own your own, Vermont's beauty and uniqueness has always stayed with me. When I would tell people I was from Vermont, they would always say, "Vermont is gorgeous! Why would you want to leave? It's so nice!" And my response would be, "Yeah, Vermont's great...if you're a ski." Yet, despite my economic disappointment with Vermont, something kept bringing me back. Regardless of where I lived (and I have lived in a lot of different states), I have always considered Vermont my home.

Which is why I am now extremely defensive when I see people commenting online that people in Vermont (and upstate New York) need to "suck it up" about the damage because they were "warned." Incredibly, a lot of these comments have come from people who lived through Katrina in the south.

Let me explain why Vermont was so unexpectedly hit hard. Yes, there were warnings and yes, anyone following the progress of Irene on the news saw that the storm was really bitchslapping the coastal areas. There were also reports that Irene had been downgraded to a tropical storm before the eye hit the southern border of Vermont. Residents had been preparing for days for high winds and possible flooding. They did exactly what they were told to do by authorities who've had much more experience with tropical storms and hurricanes. Vermont is a landlocked state. NO ONE expected the destruction that happened three days ago. So to those people who are used to hurricanes and live in areas that are prone to flooding who are blaming Vermonters for "not understanding how to deal with a hurricane/tropical storm," I say this: If a blizzard or ice storm suddenly hit your area and was 100 times worse than what it was predicted to be, how would you feel if people from states who are used to that kind of weather laughed and thumbed their noses at your misfortune which would probably include loss of life, home, businesses, agriculture and livelihood? After all, you would have been "warned," you should have "expected it."

The photos posted only show a smidgen of the damage. Look at these pictures and apply them to every county below Burlington (the largest city in Vermont). There are still 13 counties that are completely cut off. No water (to drink) and no power. They are at the mercy of the helicopters flying in and distributing military MREs (Meals Ready to Eat), medicines and other necessities and supplies. The infrastucture of the state has been destroyed. Vermont only has one interstate, I-89 (I-91 barely touches Vermont on the east side) and that only runs from the eastern middle section of the state to northern part of the state. The only way to get through Vermont is on US Routes, like 4 and 7, which a majority of are two-lane highways. Almost every US Route that travels through Vermont has had major portions either washed away or buckled to the point of impassable, just like in these photos. The second largest city in Vermont, Rutland (my hometown), has been described as like now "being on an island." Every route in is unnavigable, unless you have a pack animal or your own personal helicopter. The mayor has said that Rutland only has an approximate 30-day supply of water, if everybody conserves. The state is one big disaster area, damage of proportions which were never fathomed by even the most pessimistic of individuals.

One of the bigger issues is how this will affect Vermont's immediate future. Vermont is coming up on its second most lucrative season, what we call "leaf-peeping" season. People visit from all over the world to enjoy the foliage and the influx of tourists bring money to the state. I don't see how Vermont will see any of that this year. Yes, the leaves will change and it will be a gorgeous sight to behold...but without roads to bring the tourists in, the state will not benefit as they do every Autumn. Following that is ski season, which Vermont is also known for. Ski season is the most profitable of all Vermont ventures. As it stands right now, two of the most popular ski areas, Killington and Okemo, have no access. No one can get in and no one can get out, unless they hike (and if anyone is familiar with those areas, they know that only the most physically fit of individuals are capable of making those climbs). Without government funding, the roads will never be repaired in time to boost Vermont's economy with skiing. And what about maple syrup? Vermont is famous for it's maple syrup and if the agricultural conditions are not right, tapping the trees for sap and sugaring will also be scarce so there goes another inherent economic stimulus for the state.

So it's not just about the immediate destruction.

On the other hand, the citizens in Vermont are pulling together and maybe the country could learn from them. One man who lost his restaurant in Pittsfield, a small town that was decimated by the floods, was able to save enough food so that he had a massive cookout and fed the entire town the night of Irene and the next day. Storeowners whose businesses have been ruined by flood damage, salvaged what they could and have distributed supplies to people in need. People who were less affected are offering food, beds, clothing and showers to those who lost everything. I may not have always been happy in Vermont but I am VERY proud of my home state and how they are holding up in all this destruction. Vermont will never be as I remembered it the last time I was there and that makes me sad and tearful. Such a big trauma for such a small state.

Thankfully, the government (to a point) seems to have learned from the mistakes that were made in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina (even if places like New Orleans are still suffering from the politics played six years ago - don't get me started on that; if the news crews could get food and water without a problem, the citizens should not have been told lies about how impossible it was to get necessities to them). The storm coverage was taken more seriously and the response was quicker and more organized, even if there are people who think partisan politics should come before the needs of the American people.

So to people like Michelle Bachmann who made a "joke" (not) about Irene being "God's answer" to Washington not being run the way she thinks it should be, I say: Fuck you and one of four horses you rode in on. For the love of all that's holy, can someone please stuff another foot-long sausage into this woman's mouth and SHUT HER UP? To people like Eric Cantor, who wants to hold government aid organizations like FEMA hostage until the people who need it can put something back in, I say to you: Get off your high horse and get into the trenches with the people devastated by Irene and tell them that to their face, you arrogant, ball-less, gutless piece of shit. And to our government (all parties included) who think it's perfectly alright to spend $9 million dollars a WEEK on a war that will never be won but allowing government-funded disaster relief programs only $8 million a YEAR, I say how many have to die - how much has to be lost before it becomes cost efficient for you greedy bastards to start protecting your own? You'll protect your precious millionaire funding bases, you'll protect corporations who helped get the economy to where it is but when it comes to your own people, they aren't important enough? Clearly you have to be reminded that these are the people who voted you all into office. Get your flippin' lips off the asses of the millionaires/billionaires who put money in your back pockets and stand up for your constituents. I wish that the people who voted for those in political office who are acting the most selfishly see just exactly how "Godly" and "christian" you all really are now. I know real Christians. They are the ones out there right now, giving their everything to help the people who just lost everything. So far, I'm hearing nothing from the politicians who claim to be the most "christian" and "faithful." It's pathetic. But the truth is out, isn't it? The people I know who are real Christians are the doers, the ones who are "christian" for political/financial gain are the hot air talkers. Those politicians should be ashamed. But they won't be. I expect Bachmann will open her mouth again soon and as usual one or both feet will fall out.

We don't need the rhetoric. We need our politicians and our government to put their money where their mouth is and help.

In closing, I know Vermont will survive. As a friend of mine said, "They're of strong stock." My concern is how they will survive. If the government continues to play politics with people's lives, Vermont could become one of the poorest states in the union (despite how rich the citizens may be in character). We should all use Vermont as a gauge and make it known that how Vermont gets treated by Uncle Sam, so goes the rest of the country when a natural disaster pretty much annihilates your whole state, not just a portion of it.

Survived by... Down To The Wire

2011-08-22T16:25:00.007-05:00

Okay, my friends, we are getting down to the wire on our IndieGoGo campaign to raise funds for "Survived by...".

We have 16 days left to make our goal of $5,000. We are a little over 60% there (the money donated by checks has not been calculated in by Fractured Atlas yet which is why the amount listed on the site is less than what we actually have at this point). We do realize that times are hard for everyone and we appreciate those who have dug deep and donated and those who cannot but have helped spread the word.

In film terms, our film is an absolutely "no budget" film. We held a fundraiser last summer and raised a couple hundred dollars. We had some early donors who gave before we even began filming. We used that to feed our cast and crew for a three-day shoot, rent a grip truck and rent a camera for one day. What time and talent wasn't donated, came out of Brenda's pocket or mine. Mostly Brenda's. That's because we all believe in this project.

The $5k will go to reimbursing the cast and crew for gas and mileage and hopefully provide some compensation for their time. Mainly, the funds would be used for renting the proper equipment to finish the post production and, anything over the $5,000, we will use to enter the film into festivals so that we can get this message out that DADT was difficult but DOMA is the most dehumanizing of the two for our lesbian and gay soldiers and their families. Especially if a lesbian or gay soldier is killed in combat.

We all know someone - or know someone who knows someone - who can afford to donate to a tax deductible cause, even if we can't ourselves.

Many companies/corporations/foundations offer matching gift programs, whereby they will match your donations/charitable gifts. Your human resources office should be able to tell you if the company you work for has this program.

I realize that some of you might be getting sick of seeing us beg for donations and, if so, we apologize for that but we only have a small window of opportunity left to make our goal and get this informational film finished and seen.

Please visit our IndieGoGo page and watch the movie trailer, catch up on the updates, comments, funders, gallery and spread the link around to your friends.

http://www.indiegogo.com/Survived-By?a=32591&i=addr

C'mon. You know you want to...

The Heart of It All

2011-08-13T12:13:00.002-05:00

I decided to write this entry because I realize I have not been open to a lot of my friends about my recent health issues and have unintentionally kept them out of the loop. It was unfair of me because they care and I figured this would be a good way of telling a bunch of people at once without having to repeat it over and over. Constantly saying it out loud becomes almost as exhausting as the issue itself. So...here goes...

I have an angiogram coming up on Monday. I am both concerned and relieved.

Anyone who has followed my blog knows that in October of 1994, I had to have a heart catheter ablation because, without provocation, my heart used to snap into a rhythm of 285 beats a minute and sometime last up to an hour and then just as suddenly snap out and return to a normal pulse.

I had notice the problem begin when I was 25. It would strike at the weirdest times - when I was at rest or asleep. Because it was little incidents that maybe lasted a minute or two, I ignored it. Everyone's heart rate speeds up now and then, right?

As the years went on, the episodes lasted longer and the arrhythmia became faster. The time between each incident also got smaller. The bigger problem became that if my pulse was not taken during an episode, no amount of testing could tell me what was happening or what was causing it. Finally, when I was 39, I was monitored, diagnosed with supraventricular tachycardia and had it ablated at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center in New Hampshire.

Last summer, when I was in Arizona, I suddenly had what felt like another incident. 16 years after everything was fixed and had a 98% chance of never coming back. I ignored it as much as I could because I hoped it was a fluke. I wanted to be in denial because the thought of going through another 9 hour surgical procedure was not one I wanted to think about. Especially since the last one resulted in internal bleeding and required me to spend another 3 days in cardiac intensive care (while drawing out one of the 9 needles they threaded to my heart - 3 in the neck and 6 in the groin - it nicked a vein and the bleeding seized a groin muscle). Unfortunately, I continued to have more incidents until I got to a point where I could not ignore it. The incidents include weakness, dizziness, gasping for breath and sweating.

I finally told my primary care VA doc about what was going on and she immediately made me an appointment with cardiology. In December, the cardiologist put me on a monitor for a month. Some of the results are posted the photos to the right (or above, depending on how the photos end up posting). The results was that, for no reason my heart was moving to a rhythm of about 160 beats per minute. So he arranged for me to see another cardiologist in Cleveland.

In April, the Cleveland cardiologist ordered me to go on another monitor. This one for 15 days. This was a different kind of heart monitor, which I actually didn't mind wearing because it was not encumbering like the other kind (which deals with wires and electrodes and a lot of frustratingly inconvenient stuff); this monitor was compact and stuck to my skin so I didn't have to remove it when I showered or slept. Also, I am allergic to bandage adhesive and the glue on the back of the electrodes burn my skin whereas whatever adhesive they used on the compact monitor did not.

The compact monitor gave them more of the same. In June, I had to wear another monitor (the wire/electrode kind) so that they could hopefully get more information about how the episodes started and ended (I had to wear it during my GCLS conference and I was NOT a happy camper). By then we had all figured out that what was going on with my heart was not a recurrence of the SVT that I had before. This was something new.

I had an echocardiogram which told them that I was not having little heart attacks. I was glad to hear that because the symptoms sure made me feel like that's what was happening. They said I had no scar tissue, which surprised me because I was pretty sure the ablation would have left at least one scar. After all, they burnt out the short circuit in my electrical system, I thought there might be some evidence of that.

Two weeks ago, I had a nuclear stress test which told them that something was going on in the lower chamber of my heart, a blockage that was causing the blood to not pumping correctly. Monday, I will have an angiogram to, hopefully, clarify why and what needs to be done to fix it.

I am, naturally, concerned because I don't want it to turn out to be something really bad. The SVT also involved the lower chamber of my heart. On the other hand, I am relieved because they finally found SOMETHING. It's difficult to deal with an issue like this when your medical team continues to tell you that they cannot find anything and begin to look at you like it's all in your head (even though one cannot will their heart to suddenly snap or ease into arrhythmia). I am less patient as I've gotten older than when I was younger - it took them 14 years to pinpoint the SVT, I didn't want to deal with this problem for that long before they found something.

At least I know that this issue can be fixed, whether through another ablation, a stent, cracking my chest or medication. But just because it can be fixed doesn't mean I'm looking forward to any of it. Regardless, I have no doubt that whatever happens, I will be fine.

As for what caused this? That's a debate for another time. One could argue genetics but since no one in my family has ever had SVT, my guess is that it has something to do with the toxic waste dump that was Fort McClellan, Alabama, where I spent 4 months in basic training and military police school. Four months of breathing contaminated air, drinking contaminated water and rolling around in contaminated soil (thank you, Monsanto. Newsweek called Fort McClellan possibly the most toxic place on the planet). My non-genetic heart issues began a year after I was discharged. SVT and arrhythmia are just 2 of the many health issues reported by veterans who spent time at McClellan.

I'll keep you posted.

The Royal Academy of Bards Hall of Fame

2011-08-11T16:49:00.002-05:00

I just found out this morning that I was inducted into the Royal Academy of Bards 2011 Hall of Fame:

http://www.academyofbards.org/new.html

Wow. This is a big deal for me and I am honored. I have to, once again, thank my dear friend, The Raven, for introducing me to RAOB and to RAOB for accepting my scribblings. Also to my friends who have been loyal and supportive about keeping my stories alive and well.

I am pleased and grateful and highly complimented by this. And I am in great company!

A BIG thank you to all who were involved in getting me to this place in my life.

Another 48 Under My Belt

2011-08-09T12:29:00.003-05:00

A few days after we completed the Columbus 48 Hour Film Project, I was contacted by Tj Cooley (director of "Survived by..." and director of "Never Gonna Let You Die"), who asked me if I wanted to be on the writing team of a group who were registered for the Cincinnati 48 Hour Film Project. I told him I didn't think I had the stamina to go to Cincinnati and do it again so soon. He told me that the production company, Pariah Dog Productions, would be doing the film here, in Columbus (which is allowed), so I said, okay. He asked me if I felt comfortable leading a writing team and I told him that I did not but I didn't mind being a part of a team.

Then I didn't hear from him so I thought that maybe they decided not to use me, which was okay, too. I only knew a few people from meeting them through the Mid-Ohio Film Association (MOFA) gatherings and I figured that they found a writing team who had worked together before and were happy with that. There was almost a part of me that was relieved because it's a lot of pressure and what if I went completely blank?

A couple days before the weekend, Tj (who was one of the producers of this project) confirmed that I was still on the team and gave me the information about who to contact regarding where HQ would be and what time to be there.

Friday night I arrived at HQ to find a small group standing outside, waiting to hear from Shane Howard (the director) regarding what genre we drew, the character name, character occupation, the prop and the line of dialogue that must be used in the film. Within the hour, we learned that our genre was Superhero, the character to be used was named either Mr./Mrs. Arthur/Arlene Zinnia, acupuncturist, the prop to be used was a tray and the line of dialogue was, "It's the same thing all over again."

It was then I found out I was the only writer. There were writers there but they had signed up for other responsibilities. The script depended on me. It was time for a beer.

But the team spirit was phenomenal and everyone began to brainstorm, tossing out ideas and situations and characters and stories were forming. I wasn't really crazy about the first idea that was developing because, to me, it clearly sounded like Superhero porn. Now, those of you who have read my erotica stories know I am far from a prude but this was disintegrating into nothing but male locker room dick humor (and I was actually participating before I realized that I was going to have to write it and then I shut up). Thankfully, another idea had formed which clicked immediately with everyone and that's what we decided to go with.

By this time it was 10 o'clock PM and the poor actors were texting wondering where the heck the first draft of their script was and I hadn't even started writing yet because we had just set up my office (in the kitchen, facing the microwave, my computer settled on a TV tray - it was bliss, truly - it was the quietest, coolest room in HQ). Once I was set up, Tj described his thoughts of what he wanted to see in the script. Then Shane did a rough outline for me and they left me alone to write. By midnight, I had their first draft and it was sent out to all concerned. The general consensus was it didn't need to be revised at that point so by 2 AM, I was home.

I was back on set at 9:30 AM, Saturday, not because I was required to be, just because I was curious as to how things were going. I saw an abandoned script, picked it up and saw the changes that were made by Shane, I believe. They worked for me because they made more sense with the set changes that had to be revised and they did help the film flow easier. I think Shane was mildly concerned that I'd be difficult about it but as I said to him, this is not my film; this is a team effort and I am part of the team. If it works for the production, it works for me. Although, I do think that if the changes made it an entirely different core story from what we had decided the night before and it was no longer my script, it would only be fair to take my name off it. That wasn't the case.

I hung out until about 3PM and decided to head home. I really wasn't needed and if I wasn't needed then I was concerned I was in the way and I was getting grumpy tired. When I got home, I kept track of the film's progress on Facebook. They wrapped the principal filming by 9:30 PM. Post production was completed at 11:30 AM on Sunday. The film was turned in on time and accepted and it will be shown this Saturday at 5PM. I haven't decided whether or not I will be up to going. I would like to but I have a few health issues that might stand in the way.

I have not seen the finished product and if I do not get to see it on Saturday, I am sure I will see it after the screening, when it is posted. When it's online, I will share it here.

So I have another 48 Hour Film Project under my belt. I went from "I'll never do it again" to doing 2 in one month. And something tells me that if I was asked to do another one in two weeks, I'd probably say yes. They're almost addictive - like tattoos.

I enjoyed working with Pariah Dog Productions very much. They really made my involvement easy and painless. They are a united group of extremely talented people and I hope I get the privilege of working with them again some day.

Anyone else have a 48 they's like me to be a part of? Anyone? Anyone? Beuller?

What if...?

2011-08-08T13:06:00.003-05:00

Two days ago, a CH-47 Chinook Helicopter flown by a crew from the 160th Special Operations Aviation regiment, carrying 25 members of Navy Seal Team 6, 7 Afghani soldiers and 1 interpreter crashed, killing all aboard. The crash was said to have been caused by Afghanistan insurgents.

The death of the on board personnel is a tragedy and once again reminds us of the high price our soldiers are paying, fighting a war that has no resolution in the distant future and, perhaps, never should have been declared in the first place. But that's a whole other rant.

Our nation mourns this loss collectively, as well as the families of the deceased who mourn as privately as possible in such a public arena. These dedicated, best of the best soldiers are heroes, every single one of them and I am sure their memorial services will reflect that and that's how we will remember them.

But...what if just one of those heroes killed two days ago was gay? What if he dedicated and sacrificed his life to serving his country to fight the greater good, died a hero and it was discovered he was a homosexual? Should those who believe homosexuality is immoral and deviant behavior honor him any less than his brothers who died with him? Does his being gay make his service to his country or his sacrifice less than his heterosexual colleagues? Should his male partner who has been faithfully by his side for most of his adult life and his non-biolgical children he has raised and supported since birth be treated any different than the widows and children of the other members of the team?

No, they shouldn't but they will be.

There will be no military family support for them. The military will not provide automatic grief counseling for the partner or the children of the fallen gay soldier. They will not provide tragedy assistance of any kind. They will receive no automatic survivor's benefits or personal assistance to help them cope as they move through the grieving process. They are not eligible to receive health or educational benefits offered to recognized bereaved spouses and dependents. They will not have access to any of the programs that may financially or emotionally help the spouse or the children through the process of adjustment. Their soldier gave all and they will get nothing because regardless of the sacrifices this family has made to stand by their soldier being the "best that he could be," they are neither acknowledged nor recognized by the military or the federal government.

The message this sends is clear. And very wrong.

So when you think about the soldiers who lose their lives fighting a war we shouldn't be in to begin with - just remember that the soldier who just sacrificed his or her life to protect your constitutional and basic human rights may not have those rights him/herself. That soldier's family is suffering the same loss and grief as other family members of the tragedy but they are being shut out and ostracized.

That soldier died the same way as everyone else but his family is being treated totally different.

What if that soldier was a member of your family? Would you stand by and let his memory be "tarnished" by a detail that, in no way, dictates what kind soldier he was? Would you stand by and agree with his partner and children who loved him as much as any family member loves their soldier being treated as though they are lesser than? This is happening every day.

And it is very, very wrong.

Repeal DOMA now.

The Kindness of Strangers

2011-08-02T11:43:00.002-05:00

Although, they aren't really strangers.

We are Facebook friends and sister authors and they have both joined forces with me and 3 Grunts Productions.

As you know, we are in the middle of a fundraising campaign to complete the post-production of and promote our short film, "Survived by..." We started being shot out of a cannon by almost immediately reaching 20% of our goal. Then the excitement seemed to fade away and now we need to ratchet it up once more.

You can check out our progress here:

http://www.indiegogo.com/Survived-By?a=32591&i=addr

Two authors, Baxter Clare Trautman and Lynette Mae, have generously offered to support our cause by raising funds for us.

For the month of August, all proceeds of The River Within will be donated to our IndieGoGo film fund. For those of you who may not know, this is a magnanimous offer as lesbian authors who self-publish or publish through small independent publishing houses (like me) do not make a lot in royalties. Profit for us from sales does not mean that we can live a lavish lifestyle or even build a retirement fund. It means, for most of us that we may have a little extra to pay a bill, car insurance, internet fee or put extra food in our cupboards, for example. For those of us who don't live paycheck-to-paycheck or month-to-month, it may mean we have a little extra to take our patient, supportive significant others out to a grateful, rewarding dinner. For an author to make the decision to donate her profits to us instead, is a gift that should not be under-appreciated.

So we were thrilled when Baxter Clare Trautman contacted us and said she wanted to do that because that's how much she believed in our film.

You can find out more about her and her offer here:

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/56653

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-river-withi...

http://amzn.to/oDHgQo

The River Within, from Lambda Literary Award nominee, Baxter Clare Trautman, follows three women whose bonds are strained, reforged, and ultimately strengthened as they struggle to choose between the lives they think they should have and the lives they want.

For thirty years Foreign Correspondent Greer Madison has competed brilliantly in a man’s world. But the hardships of a life spent reporting from war zones are catching up to her. In a foolish attempt to impress a young colleague, Greer involves them both in a deadly accident, that only she knows the truth about.

Returning stateside, she recuperates at the home of her best friend, Darlene Richardson. For the first time in the course of their thirty-year friendship Darlene is reluctant to accommodate Greer, for Darlene suddenly has secrets of her own.

Kate, Darlene’s spontaneous, willful daughter is desperate to bring her struggling family together after the death of her brother, Chris. Vowing to settle down and be a “good daughter” Kate becomes engaged to a man she doesn’t love.

While Darlene retreats into her secrets, Kate and Greer find unexpected pleasure in each other’s company. Restless evenings in the Richardson’s guest house foster a deepening intimacy between the two women, culminating with each having to admit the secret they would rather hide. The aftermath of their painful revelations force Darlene’s own confession and with all secrets bared, each woman must choose whether to stay on the safety of the known shore, or dive into the uncharted but healing waters of The River Within.

Sounds good, doesn't it? It is excellent. Buy it and support us both!

Lynette Mae contacted me the day after Baxter Clare Trautman and also made a generous offer. She will be doing a book signing event on August 14, 2011 at 1400 hours (2 PM for all you civilians out there), at Cork and Olive in Brandon, FL (just east of Tampa).

If you are anywhere near that area on that day, stop by and buy a personally autographed copy of Lynette's book, meet her and see just what she has in store for supporting our IndieGoGo project, "Survived by..."

Faithful Service, Silent Hearts is the story of Devon James, a bright young military officer, dedicated to serving her country. She soon learns that finding love under any circumstances is difficult, but when your love is forbidden by military regulations and a relentless zealot pursues you, it can seem impossible. Following an investigation that destroyed her first lover’s career and their relationship, Devon hopes her new assignment will allow her a fresh start.
She is reunited with an old college friend, and together, they form an impressive intelligence team and red-hot couple. When their assignments take them to the war-torn Middle East in the early days of terrorists targeting Americans, then things really get interesting. She returns home a decorated veteran struggling to put the horrors of combat behind her. Devon soon discovers that the battle for her own integrity and faithful service has only begun.

Another excellent story! You can find out more about Lynette here:

http://lynettemae.com/?p=21

I will make a more detailed announcement about Lynette Mae's offer tomorrow.

Brenda and I cannot express enough gratitude to these two women who have put our cause in the forefront of their own writing careers. They both want people to know that's how much the message of this film means to them.

Thank you once again, ladies!

Again, as a reminder, any donation to this project through IndieGoGo/Fractured Atlas is tax deductible.

The Grandniece

2011-08-02T11:29:00.002-05:00

This is Kady Lyn. The new love in my life. She is 5 weeks old in this picture (which was taken a week ago today).

She is the daughter of my handsome naval aviator nephew, Brian, and his beautiful substitute teacher wife, Amy.

She was made in Japan with American parts. ;-D

She is my mom's first great-grandchild and she is the closest I will ever come to being a grandma so she is very, very special. And gorgeous. And sweet. And...

::sigh:: I guess I'll have to settle for being an eccentric grand-auntie but, hey, I'll take it!

I normally don't believe in miracles but I believe I held one in my arms last week.

I can't wait until she is big enough to wear that camouflage one-sy we got her. We'll assign her to crib recon.

Life is good!

Never Gonna Let You Die

2011-07-31T10:58:00.002-05:00

Never Gonna Let You Die from Chris Westfield on Vimeo.

Here is the film we made last weekend for the 48 Hour Film Project. A Family Film with a twist.

The song played during the closing credits was composed by me.

Enjoy!

A Film In Two Days.

2011-07-25T17:43:00.012-05:00

On Friday, at 6 PM, 44 team leaders showed up at the Grandview theater to find out what genre they would randomly pick from a hat, that would determine what kind of movie they would make for the 48 Hour Film Project. Our team, 3 Grunts Productions, pulled Comedy - the one genre we did not want. If a team leader pulls an unwanted genre, they have the option to give it back and wait to pull a wild card and that is the genre you are stuck with, whether you like it or not. That's what we did and we drew Family Film. We liked it. At 7:30, we were released to go make a movie that had to be completed and turned in by 7:30 Sunday night (and not one second later or you were disqualified from competition - your film would still be shown but it won't be voted on).

From 7:30 until the early hours of Saturday morning, Chris Westfield, writer, editor, make-up and cinematographer and Tj Cooley, director, editor and cinematographer went to work on the creation of our little family film. It was written and scenes and locations were figured out, divided up and planned out on a schedule board. We all prepared for a long, full day on Saturday. Because we were not fortunate in securing many food donations, I went shopping Friday afternoon and on Friday night, Brenda prepared food for Saturday's lunch and dinner. I helped by slicing up potatoes for salad but I quit after the knife slid lightly across my finger. Let me reassure everyone that no blood or skin ended up in the food.

I should mention that there are specific elements that are required to be used in every film entry before it can be eligible for submission and no one finds out what those are until the night you pull your genre. This year, every film had to include a character named (either) Mr. or Mrs. Danoff, the character had to be a substitute teacher, the line of dialogue that had to be used was "Do what you want to do," and there could be no variation. It couldn't be, for example, "Do what ya wanna do," it had to be exact. Also the mandatory prop was a deck of cards. At least there was a little leeway with the prop - it could be a deck of playing cards, trading cards, game cards (like Uno), tarot cards, etc. So, regardless of your category, all of those elements had to be included before your film can qualify for competition.

We were up at 5:00 AM on Saturday morning to make sure everything was ready and packed into the car to be at Headquarters (Chris' House) by 7. The location of the first set changed suddenly Friday night from Grandview to Hilliard (which means nothing to people who are not familiar with Columbus) and since we had already left some breakfast food at the house in Grandview, we had to leave early enough to make sure we had substitutes to bring to HQ.

When we arrived at Chris' house, the crew was already there and setting up for exterior shots. The cast and crew had already been chosen (that was one thing that could be done before Friday night). Since we don't know until the last minute what is going to be written and how many actors will be needed, there are a pool of actors who join the team and are available if you need them. The nice thing about this project is that everyone is willing to do what it takes to get the project completed - actors become crew and crew become actors if scenes change at the last minute.

Our production used 6 adult actors and two child actors. One of those children, Cassidy, is a veteran at 8 years old, very professional and a real trouper. Connor, the other minor, is 9 and this is his first film. He was quite impressive so I don't think it will be his last.

The temperatures were in the 90s with a humidity level nearly as high. The exterior shots were started early so that we could hopefully be shooting inside during the hottest part of the day. Interior shooting began before noon but the problem became the air conditioner and fans made too much noise that kept being picked up in sound so everything had to be shut off during each scene. That and the lighting made it hotter inside than outside. I commend everyone for keeping their cool under those conditions.

Brenda and I had unpacked the car and set the morning food out and Brenda then left for home to prepare lunch, run production errands and pick up Connor for his call time. Production manager Linda Turner had already brought snacks and refreshments and we added to that so we had plenty of water, juice and gatorade for everyone and made sure they all stayed hydrated.

I need to pause here and say something about Linda Turner. She is amazing and she kept everyone focused and (mostly) on track. She was so organized and pleasant to deal with and we hope to work with her many, many more times in any capacity we can.

Saturday was spent filming, changing locations and more filming. I was out with the filming for most of the morning while Brenda and Linda made sure all forms were signed and in order and just kept track of what was being done and not done. I ended up leaving around 5:30 PM because I didn't feel well (probably a combination of heat and not hydrating myself enough) and Brenda stayed until the last shot in Grandview was wrapped. She was home a little after midnight. The crew went back and shot a few more scenes at HQ and stopped for the night.

Early the next morning, pick up shots were completed and then the process of editing began. That fell on Chris and Tj, although we had some last minute glitches that could have been crippling but, fortunately, we were able to get through them. Tj couldn't get his program to work so he had to borrow our Macbook Pro to get it done. Linda worked on credits and other details and she and Brenda made sure that everything was done and labeled correctly.

Our set photographer never showed up so any record of our weekend is what Rusty or I provided with our personal cameras or photos that Aimee Dutton (the Event Photographer) took. Also, the composer pulled out at the last minute so I ended up providing one sound effect for the scene where the family is watching a movie and the closing credit song, which barely got in on time. The sound in the beginning of that song could have been used as a sound effect during specific scenes but we did not have time to add them. I don't care if someone thinks a project is not worth their time and effort but if you don't want to do something, then don't commit. Not showing up without calling or pulling out at the last minute may not affect the person doing it but it impacts everyone else working on the project. I guess I will never understand unprofessionalism. It takes less than a minute to be courteous enough to call, text, or send an email (if you know the people who need you will be checking their emails) and say that something has come up and you won't be available after all. This is a small film community. Word gets around quickly. It doesn't matter how good you are at what you do - if you screw over too many people, no one is going to see your talent because no one wants to work with someone unreliable.

Anyway, we were getting right down to the wire. The film and all the paperwork had to be turned in by 7:30 Sunday night or it could not be included in the competition - it would still be shown but it would not be eligible for any prizes or awards. It was 7:10 when we left HQ in Hilliard to get to Grandview by 7:30. I was downloading our film onto flash drives on the way to the theater (praying I wouldn't do anything to screw anything up. I didn't. Whew!) and at 7:22, we were running to the theater in the monsoon that was happening at that time. We got the film in on time and it was accepted. Out of 44 teams, only 24 got their entries in on time.

We had completed the 48 Hour Film Project with no major glitches. Everyone on our team was still speaking to each other and even better, we are all still friends (in fact, I made more friends by the end of this weekend than I had at the beginning). On Sunday morning, Brenda and I both said, "we are so not doing this again," but once it was over and done with, the sense of accomplishment was overwhelming. Now that we have one under our belts and we know what we're facing next year, we're willing to (re: crazy enough to) do it again.

The film will be shown on Wednesday night, along with several of the other entries. I'll let you know how it turns out and will post more photos after the film is shown.

Stop! Thief!

2011-07-20T16:45:00.002-05:00

A little over a month ago, my mom's annuity matured. It's not an enormous sum but it is enough to help pay her dental bills and give her a minor cushion in case any kind of emergency arises.

My mom is 83, so resubmitting to another annuity or monthly payments didn't make sense (especially since, if she dies before they sum gets paid out, the company keeps the rest of the money). Her age and health issues are against her doing anything other than take the money in a lump sum.

We had a few concentrated discussion on the disbursement of this new little (and I do mean little) nest egg she has and one of her choices was not to have the money electronically transferred into either her checking or savings accounts. She preferred to have a check cut and then she would decide exactly what amounts she wanted placed where.

We called the annuity company to see exactly what we needed to do ensure she would get the amount in one check, mailed directly to her home address. I helped her fill out the exact form she needed, checking with the company advisor to verify that we did everything correctly. I then made two copies (one for mom and one I kept at my house in case mom misplaced hers), folded the original, placed it in the envelope provided and personally mailed it.

That was over 2 weeks ago. I didn't want to get paranoid and wanted allow for the company to get and process the form, cut the check and mail it to her. I told her yesterday that if she did not get the check by Friday, we needed to call and see what was going on with it.

Today, after an appointment with the VA, I stopped by the market and picked mom up a loaf of bread. While dropping it off, I stopped to pick up her mail and saw that she had something from the mutual group that handled her annuity. I mistakenly thought it was her check but it was, in reality, a statement from the company of the final payment. Since I was at my mom's, I decided I'd call today to ask about the status of the check because my mom has been concerned about the check possibly getting stolen out of her mailbox.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN FATE!!!

When I called the company and gave them all the information they needed to make sure I was authorized to be speaking with them, I was told that the check had been electronically transferred to mom's bank account yesterday. I asked the young man I spoke with WHY would they do something we specifically requested they not do? He sounded confused and said mom's routing information was included with the paperwork. I insisted that it was not so he requested that I call mom's bank. I hung up with him and called mom's bank: no activity on either her checking or savings account. I called the company back and explained my conversation with the gentleman regarding the money being transferred into mom's bank. I told the woman I spoke with that no money had been transferred into the accounts and she said that an electronic transfer takes two days. I told her that was all well and good but my mother never requested - either on paper or by voice - the money to be electronically transferred. The one and only form she filled out (that I sat with her and went over step by step and helped her fill out) emphatically stated that she wanted to be paid by check, that my mother's bank's routing number had NOT been included with her paperwork. The woman argued with me for nearly a half-hour that I was mistaken, that my mother had attached a photocopied index card with her bank routing number on it. After enough times of the indication that I was a liar accusing her company of possibly doing something criminal (which I wasn't, I was telling her over and over that I personally put one sheet of paper - the form - in the envelope, sealed it and mailed it that way - she told me I must have forgotten I added the other information because, gee {sarcasm}, how else could they have gotten that information?) and the blame of whatever was going on clearly lay with me, I asked to speak to a supervisor or manager. Another 10 minutes went by of her telling me that no one else would be able to tell me anything different, I finally raised my voice and demanded to speak to someone else. She yelled, "fine!" and put me on hold. For another five minutes (I began to think I was on infinite hold). Another woman picked up the line (much nicer), I AGAIN explained the situation. This woman reiterated what the other woman said: We would never process an electronic transfer without the request and information from the client.

I took a deep breath and silently counted to five. I then asked her to tell me the routing number she had on file for my mother. She gave it to me and - big surprise - it didn't match. She then called my mom's bank (with me on the line) and the bank told her the routing number she had was for a bank in Colorado. She then, quite humbly, I might add, asked if my mom or I ever lived (or banked) in Colorado. Nope, never. She put me on hold for another fifteen minutes and when she got back on the line, she apologized profusely and said they had cancelled the money transfer and would reissue my mom's check.

Gee (sarcasm), I knew I was right about what I put in the envelope.

Anyway, Stephanie, the last woman representing that company, was helpful and persistent and pleasant to deal with, unlike the first woman. I thanked her for going that extra step and asked her to do me a favor - that next time a client calls and says something is wrong? Don't call them a liar and threaten to hang up because they disagree with you. Had I not been adamant with speaking to someone else, my mom would have been ripped off at the company level. The only one that would have hurt was them, as since it was their fault with a breach of security and electronic theft, they would have been out the amount of money they owed my mother. My mom still would have gotten her money, just at a later time.

So, as of right now, everything is straightened out. If everything isn't as it should be by the beginning of next week, Hurricane Cheyne will blow into their office to make their lives a living hell.

Nobody messes with my mom.

Nobody.

Just sayin'.

The 48 Hour Film Project

2011-07-17T18:43:00.002-05:00

Next weekend, July 22nd to July 24th, we (Brenda and I) will be participating in the 48 Hour Film Project here, in Columbus. If you click on the title, it will take you to the official International site that explains what it's all about.

Our production company, 3 Grunts Productions, is registered in this competition for the first time. Brenda will be the producer and do whatever else she is needed to do and I will do whatever I am needed to do, including acting if it comes to that (hopefully, it won't). I will not be the writer (we have another writer lined up) unless we draw one or two specific genres the other writer is not comfortable with. Only then will I step up to the plate in that area.

What it boils down to is: You make a film in 48 hours.

The only preparation you are allowed to do is choose a team (cast and crew), get and organize your equipment, scout and choose your film locations. At 7 PM, Friday (7/22), all 42 registered teams meet at a selected movie theater and draw genres. Only then do we find out whether or not we will be doing a comedy, musical, western, sci-fi, drama, fantasy, horror, mockumentary, period piece, romance, thriller/suspense, etc.

Once we find out what genre we've drawn, only then are we allowed to write the script, rehearse, find costumes, do set design, shoot, edit, score, render and put it on the accepted outlet, tape or media. It then MUST be completed and handed in by 7 PM, Sunday (7/24). Forty-eight hours from start to finish. PLUS there are mandatory elements that must be included in each film for it to qualify - a required character, prop and line of dialogue (i.e., Miss Scarlet, lead pipe, "I'm in the study.") regardless of your genre. Of course, if you have drawn the category of Silent Film, then whatever the required line of dialogue is must be written. No footage (stock or personal), animation or special effects created previously to the official start time can be used in the project. The rules are a little more lenient when it comes to the use of photographs but are still pretty stringent.

It really does call on everyone's resources to be creative (and be quick about it). I've been told that every filmmaker should experience this at least once. Since most teams include people who have competed before, it must not be too horrible - or at least enough time has passed that the past participants are willing to forgive and do it again.

Once all the films are in, counted and catalogued, there is a 48 Hour Film Festival (for us, I believe it will be the following weekend) where all the entries are shown and judged by the audience. There are local awards for Best Directing, Best Script, Best Cinematographer, Best Editing, Best Acting, Best Music, Best Sound Design, Best Effects, Best Use of Genre, Best Use of Character, Best Use of Prop and Best Use of Line. The Best Movie will be shown at Filmpalooza (the International 48 Hour Film Festival). The International winner gets $3,000 and your film is automatically screened at the Cannes Film Festival.

So, as Vice President Joe Biden might say, It's a big effin' deal.

Brenda said she thinks it's kind of like having a baby...with 48 hours of labor.

I don't know. I guess we will see next weekend. I'll keep you posted.

Survived By... IndieGoGo page

2011-07-13T14:41:00.003-05:00

We finally have our fundraising website up at IndieGoGo!

If you click on the title, it should take you directly to page.

We are very proud of our little movie (the first of many) and hope we raise our goal to finish post production, to compensate our cast and crew for their expenses while making our film and to cover the entry fees of the festivals we hope to enter it in.

The site has been up less than a week and we already have raised over 20% of our goal!

We appreciate whatever anyone can donate and if you can't donate, please pass this website on and help us get the word out!

Thank you so much to the people who have already given us their time, their feedback, their talents and their money. We couldn't (and can't) do it without you.

Independence Day

2011-07-04T10:16:00.002-05:00

Today is the Fourth of July. Independence Day in the USA. It is a federal holiday that marks the signing of the Declaration of Independence which commemorates our sovereignty from the Kingdom of Great Britain. We, in America, celebrate this day with picnics and parties and carnivals and parades and fireworks. It is a day we all associate with being a nation of and for freedom. But...are we really free? I'm beginning to wonder.
Now, before anyone starts calling me unpatriotic, I beg to differ. This is the definition of a patriot |ˈpātrēət|noun1 a person who vigorously supports their country and is prepared to defend it against enemies or detractors. And that I have done (as a veteran of the US Army) and am still willing to do to this day. But - what if our enemies or detractors are from within? What if the people wanting to destroy our country and the freedom it stands for are in our own government?
I am a woman and I have made no secret of the fact that I am a lesbian. There's two strikes against me right there. Add a third strike? I'm over the age of fifty. Why do I say that? Well, just look at what's happening in the latest headlines. The government has sneaked its way into my bedroom and doctor's office. They also want to take away something I paid into and earned, once I reach the age of 65. How did this happen? We allowed it, that's how.
In the midterm elections, lawmakers were voted into office on a promised platform of doing what they claim had not been done since President Obama took office: create jobs. I don't know about you but I'm still waiting for that to happen. Instead, the new lawmakers immediately began their real agenda: to put the good ol' "fear of God" back into our once Puritan country. If you break down the current political agenda, you will see that there is sinister plan afoot. Instead of reading and enforcing constitutional rules, our new congress is reading and enforcing Biblical rules. And anyone who knows the Bible knows that it is possibly the most misogynist collection of stories ever put together. I am not bashing the Bible; I think it has its place in history and it's place in a building of worship. It has NO place in modern politics. This is America, Land of the free, you know, "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses," and all that. Not all of the huddled masses believe in a traditional God, which is their right as an American. And the way a lot of the religious fanatics have bastardized God for their own personal gain, I don't blame them.

A majority of the new leaders in office are blatantly ignoring the separation between church and state. And no one is making them tow the line on this. We, the constituents should be up in arms. We should be taking to the streets in protest. Especially women and the elderly. I have to say that the LGBT community is not staying silent and are making slow progress. Don't Ask, Don't Tell has finally been repealed. That's a victory - except that it hasn't been implemented and the witch hunt still goes on. And, until the Defense of Marriage Act is repealed, gay soldiers will never be truly equal. It's okay that we die for our country but heaven forbid our families get equal rights. It's okay that LGBT couples pay equal taxes (in most cases, more taxes because we don't get the marital tax breaks) but how dare we expect equal rights. So far six states have legalized marriage for LGBT couples and civilization, as we know it, has not disintegrated into Armageddon. To my knowledge no straight marriage has been affected by the legalization of gay marriage. Slowly, the fear mongering cry that we're all perverts and out to recruit straight people and molest their children is fading because people are realizing that it's simply not true. In fact, if the self-procalimed "Christians" are so obsessed with our sex lives, shouldn't they be considered the perverts?
Yet we still have politicians like Michele Bachmann, a Stepford Wife, who spouts that we (the LGBT Community) are monsters and barbarians. I defy her to back that up with fact. Oh, wait. That's right. It's Michele Bachmann...she makes up her own facts. And this is the type of politician we have running for president. We have governors like Scott Walker who wants to repeal the law that LGBT people be allowed to visit their partners in the hospital, for perhaps the last time. Why and how this law could possibly even affect him is a puzzlement. These are just two examples out of many and both are pushing the envelope on the fear of biblical retribution on the issues of a community who just wants the love they have for another human being to be legally recognized. And individuals like Bachmann and Walker call themselves Christian. I don't see anything in their individual and collective behaviors that comes close to being Christ-like.

So the LGBT Community is at least standing up and fighting back. What about the women?

Ladies, in case you haven't noticed out government has declared war on us. And those of you who don't think the new restrictive abortion laws affect you because you are "pro-life," think again. My stance on abortion has been stated on this blog, ad nauseam. Now, however, we have the government redefining rape because if it ends up in conception, that poor fetus should not be punished for the sins of the parents. Notice I didn't say sins of the father because, according to our government, if the victim cannot prove forcible rape (and they've even put new guidelines on the word "forcible"), then she needs to suffer the consequences of her actions and carry that child to term. As to what happens to that child once it sees the light of day? Well, don't ask the government because they don't care - as long as it doesn't go into the foster care/welfare system because then the mother will be blamed for that, too. The government is going state by state and putting such restrictions on medical practices that also perform abortions that it is becoming impossible for those clinics to stay open. They've tried to shut down Planned Parenthood because the government has painted it as nothing but an abortion clinic. I've used Planned Parenthood (and not for an abortion) for women's health screening when my work insurance hadn't kicked in yet. That's what a lot of women use Planned Parenthood for because it's affordable and clean. Planned Parenthood has saved more lives than they've ever taken (and that's only if you believe abortion is murder), but then - and this is the crux - the lives they have saved are women and with the government putting all these legal restrictions on what a woman can and cannot do with her own body, saving the life of a woman, perhaps the mother of other children, is incidental. Incidental. Really? And we accept that?

If treating us like we're insignificant and too stupid to know how to charter our own lives wasn't bad enough, now states like Georgia, Alabama and Mississippi want to make miscarriage illegal. MISCARRIAGE. They want it punishable by jail time and consider it murder. Research it, I'm not kidding. This is where it starts to hit home with the "pro-life" women. If a woman miscarries her pregnancy, she will be liable for losing that fetus. How many women intentionally miscarry? I don't think it can even be counted in percentages. So what happens when they start adopting this law state by state? All the women who thought it was perfectly fine to tell "pro-choice" women that their choices should be taken away will have their rights taken away because of something they could not control. Scary, isn't it?

And where does it stop? Well, if this not-so-secret campaign of our fanatically religious politicians have their way, it will end with women being put back in their "place." The Bible records us, with very few exceptions as being chattel and slaves to our fathers, husbands, brother and sons. Last year, I might have laughed at a statement like this. This year, I am frightened at where our government is going with these new "laws."

We cannot stand for this. We must send an immediate message to our politicians that women are not second class citizens to be regulated by law. If we don't do something, we will soon be prisoners by virtue of our gender. If you are an American woman and you do not see where our country has declared war on you, you are naive. Because if the new laws our government keeps coming up with don't affect you yet? Continue not speaking up or doing anything...they will.

A Hole In The Soul.

2011-06-28T08:47:00.003-05:00

Last week, my friend, Kaysi, lost her adorable dog, Pretzel, to sudden illness. All of Kaysi's Facebook friends had fallen in love with Pretzel, even though many of us had never met the cute Yorkie. Kaysi's photos and postings about Pretzel's antics and life had made her come alive right through the pages. So when Kaysi posted that Pretzel was sick and in a lot of pain, we all felt a tug at our hearts. When less than 24 hours later, Kaysi posted that Pretzel had passed away, we all grieved.

Pretzel's death hit me particularly hard. After the first few posts of condolences to Kaysi's page, I found it difficult to keep my composure. It wasn't just about the loss of Pretzel, it was also that I knew Kaysi was so alone.

That's not to say that Kaysi doesn't have friends or family because she does. It was more that her companion, her shadow, her little fur soulmate was gone. Her main reason for getting up in the morning and coming home each night, her four-legged bundle of unconditional love who had been through so much with her, never abandoned her, always loved her was gone. It was knowing, having experienced, that wrenching heartache, that feeling like you've been physically punched in the gut, that feeling that your soul is suddenly empty aloneness. It's that feeling that no one will ever understand that connection, that special bond you had with your pet that catapulted that animal out of "pet" status and more into best friend ever territory. Sure, we all play parent to our pets because we love them and know that they pretty much cannot survive without us but some of us have a stronger attachment to those little creatures who leave paw prints on our hearts.

Brenda tried to comfort me but I ended up shutting down (both the computer and myself) and going to bed. Pretzel's passing triggered the memory of my beloved Spanky, my tuxedo cat who left a hole in my soul after 21 years together.

I know what it's like to feel that alone. Not so much when Spanky died but times when Spanky seemed like the only entity who was there for me when everything in my life felt like it was spiraling out of control.

I was living in California. I had a job, and I had friends (mostly co-workers who lived nearby or good friends who lived out-of-state - the co-workers worked different shifts and had different days off) and my family was in other states, the closest being 2000 miles away. I spent a lot of time exploring Hollywood (I didn't have a car at that point, so I walked or took the bus everywhere) and coming home to my new little cat. Spanky was about 3 months old and had been rescued by my next door neighbor from the couple who lived directly upstairs from me. My neighbor had been collecting rent and when she got to their (open) door, they were chasing him around with a butcher knife because he had chewed one of their pot plants all to hell. My neighbor was a cat person (she had 4) and went to grab Spanky and the couple began playing "monkey in the middle" with Spanky as the keep-away item. She finally was able to get him away from them and threatened them with expulsion and arrest if they tried to get him back. She then brought him to me and I took him. He hid for a week in my small apartment and when he finally came out to eat when I was there, I picked him up to get acquainted with him and found scabs where, it appeared, they had burned him with cigarettes.

They never came for him, in fact, they moved out within days, much to my relief. I wasn't afraid of them, I just didn't want to face jail time for chasing them around with a butcher knife and burning them with cigarettes. Anyway, the Spankster and I bonded quickly because, well, we were all we had. I wasn't dating anyone and my friends were all busy when I wasn't so Spanky became my best bud.

Here is an example of how important Spanky became to me. I've never publicly told this story before. It was late 1985 when I was walking home from the corner convenience store and I passed a distinguished looking man talking on the pay phone down the street from my apartment. Somehow this man and I got into a friendly conversation and he ended up giving me a business card. He had an office in Beverly Hills and his card said he was a talent scout. I don't think that job description is used anymore. Anyway, he said he liked my 'look' (I was a lot thinner then and I had long, [bleached] blonde hair) and wanted me to come by his office, even though I told him I was not an actor. I had done some acting in the past but I was now much more into law enforcement (and writing) at this time. The man was expensively dressed, charming and persuasive so I told him I'd let him know. The next day, I took his business card to my lieutenant and asked him to please check the guy out. Three days later, my LT handed me back the card and said, "He checks out fine."

As I said, I wasn't into acting but I was really starting to ratchet up my writing. I had submitted 3 scripts to "Cagney & Lacey," 2 had been sent back but one was being held for option. I had signed all the legal paperwork and had been waiting. Since this guy checked out, I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask for a meeting at his office and see what he had to offer. Maybe he knew someone on that show (or another) and maybe he could help me. So I called him and he agreed to see me the next afternoon, after I got out of work at 3:30 PM.

When I got there, the next day, I was happy to see that his office was in a really nice business/ restaurant section of Beverly Hills. After I was "buzzed" in, I discovered that his office was also his condo apartment. That made me a little uncomfortable but then the business meeting began and everything seemed on the up and up. He had an acoustic guitar that sat in the corner by his desk. I admired it, he handed it to me and asked me if I sang. I told him yes - at least I used to. He wanted to hear me play and sing. So I did.

He said I was so nervous (I didn't think I was) that I was making him nervous so he poured us both a glass of wine. Yes, you are correct if you suspect you know where this is going. Rohypnol or Roofies were not mainstream news yet. Date-rape was not a term on anyone's lips back then. I still don't know what he used but it wasn't a roofie because I did not pass out. I became almost paralyzed, which made it easy for him to overpower me. I was aware of everything that was happening but I was helpless (literally) to stop it.

When he was done (which was when the drug began to wear off), he dressed me, put me in his car and drove me home. I was deathly ill as the drug found its way through my system. He threatened me, if I went to the police or told anybody, he would take me to court and sue me for slander and then come back for me. He promised me he could do it, too, because I couldn't prove anything. I'd willingly come to his apartment, I'd willingly told him all about myself (I was a loner who kept my personal life away from my co-workers) and, really, who would vouch for my character? He was right about that. At that point, I'd only had my job for 6 months and even though I had new friends, they really didn't know me. He, on the other hand was well-established in the community. He had it all figured out and I was pretty sure I wasn't his first victim.

I called in sick the next couple days at work and, physically, I was ill for about 48 hours (not sure how much was physical and how much was psychological). After that I became very depressed. I spoke to no one about the incident and tried to behave in my usual manner at work even though I knew I was rapidly shutting down. If it hadn't been for Spanky's needing me to feed him and care for him and knowing I had to work to get money to keep him fed and in litter, I don't know if I ever would have gotten out of bed again. He sensed something was wrong and in his affectionate way, he kept me sane. He kept me going. He was the reason I continued to exist at that point. I had never felt more alone in my entire life, even though I knew I had wonderful friends. I blamed myself for the incident. If I blamed me, I thought surely they would, too.

Soon after that, I packed up Spanky, left California and moved back to Vermont. I never told anyone until I blurted it our to my mother two months after I was back, after she kept asking what the hell was the matter with me (I was never an introvert before). Once I told her, I began to heal and six months after I left CA, I put Spanky in my car and we headed back to my old job in Bel Air in a supervisors position (the trip across country with the Spankinator is a whole other story - a fun one) and never looked back. I never talked about the real reason why I left and when I had a chance, I told my LT that he was wrong about that guy whose business card I'd handed him, that he wasn't okay. My lieutenant shrugged and then admitted to me that he never really ran his name through the system. When I asked him why, he told me that the guy had a business address in BH. What more did I need to know other than that?

Yes. Strangling him did cross my mind.

I still didn't tell anyone why I left. Even now there are only a handful of people who know the story (well, until I publish my blog, that is). This was the main reason it's difficult to get me to sing again, especially with my guitar. It's a trigger and I try to avoid them, although most of the triggers I have successfully worked through. Somehow, though, I still feel vulnerable when I sing. Although when I was alone and would pull out the guitar and sing to Spanky, he'd curl up right beside me and go to sleep.

So when people say "It's just a pet," with disdain in their voices, they have no idea. Sometimes they're more than 'just pets,' and sometimes they're more than companions and furry "children." Sometimes they are little saviors. At least that's what Spanky was for me. And when he died at 21 years old, a few years ago, it left a tiny hole in my soul that can never, ever be filled.

PS - my "Cagney & Lacey" script remained on hold until the series ended in 1988. The plot was Christine goes undercover in a lesbian bar and unexpectedly meets up with a colleague, who is not there for business. How Chris reacts puts a temporary wedge between her and Mary Beth. MB embraces the co-worker but Chris feels betrayed at being lied to and questioning how she is perceived by co-workers. I think it was a story ahead of its time and that's why they wanted to hold onto it. C&L did push a few envelopes back then.

PSS...don't ever say that lightening can't strike twice. Even though, it was a different place of employment, I went through a similar incident (with a co-worker this time, a supervisor) four years later but this time I was alert and this time I fought back and this time, after 2 years of continuations and a bench trial, the prick ended up in jail. I never blamed myself again.

My Interview by Carsen Taite

2011-05-22T11:02:00.003-05:00

I felt honored to have been invited to Dallas, Texas last week to be the guest author at the Jewel Book Club who, once a month, feature published authors of lesbian fiction. Check them out here:

http://www.resourcecenterdallas.org/index.php?q=jewel

It was my first time in the spotlight, promoting my book in person and I had a blast. Last month, Brenda and I were guests on the radio show Cocktail Hour, where we promoted Renegade and our short film, Survived By. You can listen to that (Episode 16) show here:

http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cocktail-hour/id405880579

Before my appearance in front of the club, I was taken out to dinner by Sandy Thornton, who also picked me up at the airport, and I met author Carsen Taite, who has a popular vlog called Romancing The Sheets:

http://www.youtube.com/carsentaite

Carsen interviewed me after dinner and before the book club meeting. Carsen is a lot of fun and I think you can tell we hit it off.

The book club meeting went well and I'm glad they were my first personal appearance because they made it so easy. Thank you, again, all of you who made that happen.

Enjoy the interview. I did. :-D

Survived By... Our Movie Trailer

2011-05-10T20:53:00.004-05:00

If you click on the title, it should take you to the "Survived By..." web page.

We do not know when we will be finished with post-production but here is our trailer. Does it intrigue you?

If you might be interested in making a donation to help us complete this project and get it out to the public and seen, be sure to visit the "donate" page. If you know someone who might be interested in donating and spreading the word, pass this website on:

http://www.survivedbyfilm.com/www.survivedbyfilm.com/Home.html

Thank you.

:-)

The Mother's Day Dilemma (Childless Mothers)

2011-05-06T20:39:00.002-05:00

Every Mother’s Day, I can’t help but think about the women who are cruelly reminded that they no longer have their children with them. I am sensitive to this because my former partner, Dottie, is one of those women.

While it is a day of celebration in most homes, it is a day for Dottie (and many others) to want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over her head. She no longer has her mother or her only child to honor the day with.

And what’s worse than not saying Happy Mother’s Day to a childless mother is treating her as though she never had a child. Dottie is still a mother even though Adam is gone. She gave birth to him and she lovingly sacrificed every day of his mostly infirmed life up until the day he died, three months before his tenth birthday. She was every inch a mom until fate took the practical role away from her.

Anyone who thinks the pain of the loss of a child diminishes with time needs to understand a few things. A mother never gets over losing her child, she gets through it. Grief is not an illness that has a cure. There is no timetable for grief. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve; grief is a personal thing and no two people grieve the same way. The emotional and physical response to grief may be extreme and overcome an individual at any time. Don’t ever tell a mother who has lost a child that it is time to “move on.” That’s not your call.

If you know someone who is a childless mother, take the chance and wish her a Happy Mother’s Day. Is it a happy occasion? Not by a long shot but the fact that you have not forgotten and have acknowledged that she is still a mother will mean a great deal to her.

A childless mother never feels the void as much as she does on Mother’s Day. Yes, she certainly feels the loss on birthdays, Christmas, special occasions and death anniversaries but on Mother’s Day she is bitterly reminded by sappy ads on television, in magazines, in newspapers, in stores, in card aisles that she is forever separated from the individual who gave her the title of mother.

Yes, she will always have the memory but a memory cannot replace the presence of her child. She is constantly reminded of what she will never experience – in Dottie’s case, seeing Adam go to junior high, high school, his first real girlfriend, getting his driver’s license, graduation, college, marriage, becoming a grandmother… The death of a child is a nasty little “gift” that keeps on giving. Just when she thinks she’s coming to grips with life without her child, another milestone comes along to knock the wind out of her.

Does the childless mother feel envious or jealous when she sees other mothers experiencing what she no longer can? Yes but not in a begrudging way. She would never want anyone to go through what she has been through but there is always that twinge of loss when she watches mother and child interact. There is also that sense of profound anger when she sees a mother mistreating and/or berating her child…she will gladly take what some mothers don’t want or take for granted.

A majority of mothers will tell you that her life forever changed the second her baby was born, that she felt the true meaning of unconditional love for the first time ever. If the feeling is that overwhelmingly intense, try to imagine what must happen to a mom who suddenly has that taken all away from her. Dottie is a still a mother, still full of love for Adam but is no longer able to demonstrate that love to him or receive love from him, especially in any manner that celebrates her being his mom. Plus she must endure the torturous avalanche of advertising about what a special day it is.

Does she miss him more on Mother’s Day than any other day? No. Every day is as achingly empty without him as Mother’s Day, it’s just that Mother’s Day reminds her more…or maybe society reminds her more of that hole in her heart because she has no physical proof of her motherhood anymore. In this visual world, people like to see before they believe. The one thing in her life she treasured the most, she no longer has. The one thing that defined her more than any has branded her in a different category, in an exclusive club no one ever asks for or wants to be in.

When she is now asked whether or not she has any children (and she is approaching the age where she will soon start being asked if she has ay grandchildren), she says, “No.” And then she has to decide whether or not to elaborate. Unfortunately her ambivalence in determining if telling her story will make the person she is talking to uncomfortable because she loves talking about Adam. Adam is not now and never was an elephant in the room. But after he died and soon after his celebration of life ceremony, a majority of our friends treated his death as though speaking of him would be uncomfortable for us. It wasn’t; it was uncomfortable for them and when we did not play within the parameters of their comfort zones, well…we lost friends.

Dottie’s memorializing of her only child was misunderstood by many. Only one of her friends who had lost two children of her own really understood. With few exceptions, everyone else might as well have painted a Scarlet letter on Dottie (and me) and alerted the rest of the world to avoid us. They didn’t understand and most stopped wanting to.

“You’ve changed,” they said. Yes. Watching a child’s life slip away before your eyes after three months of ravaging medical treatments will do that to you. Watching a child, especially if that child is yours, slip away for ANY reason will change you. They no longer want to talk about your child and what’s worse, they no longer want you to talk about your child. They don’t understand your desire to hang onto mementos your child made for you in school or bought you with his allowance money. They don’t get the need to hang onto to clothes, toys or other things that meant so much to your child. They don’t really understand that need to stay connected for as long as possible. They really wish you wouldn’t remember and you’re desperately trying not to forget. That never goes away with time. Time heals all wounds? Not ALL wounds, trust me. You heal but that wound reopens at will and unless you’ve been through this yourself or with someone dear to you, you can’t imagine the soul assaulting ache that is destined to live inside you forever.

Everything will remind her of her child. Going to the grocery store, going to the movies, clothes shopping, driving past a school, television shows, cartoons, books, food, songs…everything. There is no escape for the childless mother.

If she breaks down in tears or in anger “for no reason,” give her a break. There is most definitely a reason, even if the child has been gone for 20 years.

Grief and healing is ongoing. It may change from time to time but it never ends. The woman who suffered the loss may not be recognizable as the person you knew and loved anymore but don’t ever forget, she lost much more than you’ll ever know. And it’s something your friendship and support, no matter how sincere and well-meaning, will ever replace.

So…as Mother’s Day approaches, if you know someone like I have described in this post, here’s a few dos and don’ts to help you be a better friend. Even if many years have passed, there are still words and phrases that can be quite thoughtless to the bereaved parent.

Never say, “I know how you feel,” especially if you have not experienced the death of a child. You have NO idea how she feels.

Do say, “Tell me how you feel.” And really listen.

Never say, “He’s in a better place.” No, he’s not. He’s not here with us. And the person you say this to may no longer have the faith you do. Saying this may be your belief but in this situation, it isn’t about you.

Do acknowledge that the child has died (and yes, saying “died” is acceptable) and let the mom know that you are open to talking about him with her.

Never say, “Well, at least you’re young enough to have more children” or, in some cases, “at least you have other children” or “you can always adopt.” Other children are not THIS child. Do not minimize the loss of THIS child by indicating that another child can take his place.

Be honest. If you really don’t know what to say then say that. “I’m not really sure what to say to you but I want you to know that I care and I’m willing to listen if you want to talk about him.”

Never say, “God must have had plans for him” or “this is all a part of God’s plan.” This statement is no comfort. What kind of cruel God would give you a child and then take that child away in such a tormenting manner? This could be much more of a deterrent than solace.

Do offer your help. Grieving parents find it difficult to come right out and ask for help or admit that they feel lost. Your attentiveness and presence might be just what they need, even if all you do is sit with them in silence and hold their hand.

Never say, “You have so much else to be thankful for.” Really? And just what exactly would the person suffering the loss have to feel thankful about when she’s just lost a piece of her soul?

Do be understanding if she exhibits depressed and sometimes even destructive behavior (as long as she isn’t out to harm herself or anyone else). She has a right to be angry and sad. She has a right to not be who you’re used to, to run the gamut of emotions. It’s normal under the circumstances. If you find that her mourning the loss of her child at any time uncomfortable, then find another of her friends who is more tolerable.

Never say, “I could never survive losing my child.” You might not think so at the time but that statement minimizes the love the now childless mother has for her child. It makes you sound like you’re saying that because she did survive it (physically, anyway), she must not love as much or be as connected to her child as you are to yours. You would be surprised at what you can endure when faced with a situation of such tragic proportions.

If you’ve never been through it, never start sentences with “You should” or “you will.” How do you know she should or she will? You don’t so, instead, begin them with “Have you thought about” or “You might.”

Never, ever say. “It’s time to move on” or “You should be over this by now.” It should be self-explanatory why those two statements are a no-no. If it’s not your loss, the grieving time-frame is not your business. This sounds like you are trivializing the loss or asking the parent to forget about their child and “move on.” That will never happen.

The all-encompassing heartbreak of the loss of a child will always resurface on Mother’s Day (and Father’s Day, if you’re a dad and have gone through this process). The absence is forever so it’s only logical friends should be in it for the long-haul, too.

So if you know a childless mom, wish her a Happy Mother’s Day. The best gift you can give her is to let her know that you have not forgotten her child and if she wants to, share in her reminiscing. Let her cry, let her scream, let her feel like a mom again, even if it’s only for a moment. You won’t regret it.

Happy Mother’s Day, Dottie.

The Journey From Requiem to Survived by

2011-05-06T12:13:00.004-05:00

This is how it started.

Brenda (Barton, my lovely partner) said to me a few years ago, "You should write a story about the families of lesbian and gay soldiers who serve or what they go through if their spouse gets killed in the war."

My first thought was, "Boy, that's going to be a lot of research...I know what the military was like 30 years ago but so much has changed..." I agreed that a story should be done but I was concerned that I would not be able to do it justice. As I had a bunch of other things going on at the time, the idea was compartmentalized and it didn't come up again until nearly a year later.

The wonderful website of Royal Academy of Bards (http://www.academyofbards.org/) host writing challenges at least once a year. I had never entered one before but this time I was between projects so I thought I'd give it a try. The contest was called "A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words" and the rules were to pick one of twenty posted photographs and write a story about it in 1,000 words or less. They had some inspiring photos but the one that I kept going back to was of what looked like a military cemetery. Suddenly, the idea that Brenda had given me came back full force. I wrote Requiem (http://www.academyofbards.org/contest/challenge20/stories/cheyne_requiem.html) and it won.

I then started to get emails from all over the world, sent by people who were touched in some way by the mother's tirade. I was surprised at the nerve it touched in so many and by the different emotions it provoked - sadness, anger, compassion, pride...

Not soon after the announcement was made that Requiem had won the challenge, I received a few letters from different people who asked if I'd thought about turning it into a movie. Yes, Brenda and I had discussed the idea of a short film but we weren't sure how to go about that in Columbus, Ohio. I discussed the possibility with two different independent film directors, one who contacted me and one (an old friend) I contacted, and although each's intentions were good, we all had different ideas about where the story should go. I thanked them for their enthusiasm and support but I declined their offers and Brenda and I went back to square one.

Now we had the fever, though, and at a friend's birthday party, we were introduced to photographer Chip Willis (http://www.chipwillis.com/). Brenda was really impressed with Chip's eye for photographic content and even though Chip had not made a movie before, either, we marched forward with good intentions and a lot of hope. Because the three of us are former Army, we

developed 3 Grunts Productions. A "grunt" is one of the nicknames for an Army soldier so we thought it fit and no one else in Ohio had snagged that name. (http://www.3gruntsproductions.com/index.html). Chip got together with two models he had

previously worked with (Alyssa Taylor and Jennifer Stepp with Savannah Gamble) and we made a promo. A sort of prequel promo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpEuPq6Zyy4&feature=player_embedded). About three months after that, we held auditions for the four roles in the screenplay, which we cast two months after that. And then we (we, as in Brenda, the producer) ran out of money after we pasted the promo it all over the internet.

We knew we had to start raising money so we put together a fundraiser at Slammers, (http://www.slammersbar.moonfruit.com/) a popular lesbian bar in Columbus and raised a little bit of cash. We also developed a Requiem fundraising page on Kickstarter but we set an unreachable goal so any monies that were pledged were never collected because with Kickstarter if you don't raise your full goal in the allotted amount of time (which you set yourself), you get nothing. Kickstarter was a valuable learning experience and next time we use it, we'll be more prepared.

In the meantime, Brenda (who has a full-time job during the day) worked her butt off getting our production company up and running. And, in 2010, while trying to learn about what needed to be done to get this movie made, she also put in 12 - 14 hour days working on the mid-term election. She fronted a lot of her own money to get this project on its feet and I have to say, in all honesty, without her dedication, this project would not be. At all. During times I felt like throwing in the towel because certain issues seemed insurmountable, Brenda was the one who kept the faith and made things happen. So...she's not just another pretty face... :-D

We started a RequiemDADT Facebook page for people who wanted to follow our progress and and help us spread the word about making the film. Through that, we began getting donations, which have helped get us to the point we are now.

A year after we found Chip, we lost him as a 'Grunt' because he had decided to move to California and start his own production company. We certainly understood this as he was starting to get job offers that actually paid him more than we could at that point.

So the search was on for another director. While we looked, we arranged for little events with the cast so that we had "family" photos and videos of them enjoying "family" time together.

Eighteen months after filming the promo, we finally had a director on board. Tj Cooley was as enthusiastic about the project as we were and, as he is a well-known local filmmaker, he could and did actually start getting things done.

We used the money from Facebook fundraising to help make a lot of the production happen. Brenda also put in quite a bit of her own money to ensure equipment got rented, the cast, equipment and location had insurance and that the cast and crew were fed.

I'm not complaining. We both are happily learning about the joys of independent filmmaking. Yes, it can be frustrating but even the negatives can be rewarding. Because everyone has graciously volunteered to do this film, we have to work with a minimal staff so Brenda and I both doubled and tripled as location scouts, prop providers, slate person, boom operator, grip, transportation, craft service, stand-in, set-up and break-down. It has been a labor of love.

While we realize we are not unique, it has been an education to learn how to get from a simple idea to completion of a short film. This has been a three year process and because of the subject matter, we don't have the luxury of time to get this story told and out there. And because we haven't had the funds that allowed us to do everything exactly like we really wanted to, we have had to improvise but we all agree that we think it's a good movie and our lack of finances has not diminished the quality of what we have. Everybody's dedication, creative input and involvement has turned a no-budget film into an enriching product (and experience). Trying to make a film on your own, in one of the worst economies of modern times, has been an exercise in humility and gratitude. And we couldn't have reached this point without the generosity of those who have donated their time and money to help us make this a reality.

So here we are. We finished principle filming last Sunday. Now comes post-production. We are beginning to wind up another fundraising drive to make sure this process gets done and that we have the money to enter it into the film festivals in which it qualifies. We think the movie, although not exactly like the short story, has something important to say and four very talented actors who say it well.

We have changed the title of the movie from Requiem to Survived by. If you belong to Facebook, please visit our page and "like" us.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Survived-by/148477071885135

We will have our website up soon but in the meantime if you'd like to donate a tax-deductable amount to the cause, it would be much appreciated. Every little bit helps (and we mean that...we don't need a lot from a little, we need a little from a lot). This is our donations page:

https://www.fracturedatlas.org/site/contribute/donate/3882

I will be back to give a progress report soon. I just want to say thanks all for hanging in there with us. It means more than you know.

*All photos by Aimee Dutton.

Principle Filming Is Done!

2011-05-05T15:25:00.002-05:00

"Survived by" the short film based on my 2008 Royal Academy of Bard's award winning story, Requiem, has completed principle filming.

We wrapped on Sunday, May 1st, the same day Osama bin Laden was killed (which, in its own way, is significant because it is the day we filmed the funeral scene of the soldier killed in Iraq). The only thing left to film is a few inserts which don't involve the actors.

This, for me, has been a dream come true. I never thought I would find it here, in Columbus, Ohio. I've heard Ohio is supposed to be the new Michigan, as far as Indie filming is concerned, so maybe I moved here at the right time.

My two big dreams have been to be published and produced. Now I have them both. My second book, Clandestine, through Blue Feather Books, should be out next year and the film I wrote, will be out sooner than that. How many people can say their life dreams have come true? Not many. Although I am agnostic, don't think I don't understand how truly "blessed" I really am.

Now, onto post production. We will have a "rough cut" to take with us to my GCLS literary conference in June and, hopefully, we'll be able to get enough feedback to see what needs to be kept and tweaked before we begin to enter it into film festivals.

It's been a long road but an educational, worthwhile one. So, before I get too big for my britches, let me offer my sincerest gratitude to Brenda Barton (Executive Producer) who, without a swift kick in the pants from her, this movie never would have come to fruition. Also, to the readers of Requiem for letting me know this story was special. To Chip Willis (original Director) for his major contribution and his introducing us to Alyssa and Jen. To the Stepp family and the Taylor family for their unwavering support of this project. To Tj Cooley (Director, Magician) for believing in this project and making this REALLY happen. To Jennifer Stepp (Carly Metcalf) and Savannah Gamble (Taryn Metcalf-Ridings) for their patience and perseverance (it's been so long that when we started, Savannah still had her baby teeth). To Gigi Rosario-Shaw (former chaplain) for her interest, guidance, advice and support. To Susan M. Martin for "being" Robin Ridings and letting us visit the farm. For Amy Talbott (Chaplain Guthrie) for coming in at the last minute and being a trooper. To Aimee Dutton for her photographs (and humor), to Rusty/Yuri/Craig/Chris/Zach/Erica/Jim for their technical expertise and to Robert and Kelvin for rounding out the mourning crowd. To Cathleen and Randy for their local help and provisions (location and flag). To Leslie and Marty for their house. And the people and businesses that contributed the cameras and equipment.

I apologize if I left anyone/anything out.

In the age we are in where anyone can make a movie with a video camera and Final Cut, this may not be such a big accomplishment but to me - at 55 years old - as Joe Biden might say, this is a big, f*cking deal. To some it may be laughable that I am so excited but having been raised in an era where you need to know someone to get a movie made and seen, I'm in shock that something I wrote has been acted out and filmed. And with damned good people in the parts.

So I celebrate within my circle and will remain thrilled that I could be a viable part of this whole process.

Today life is good.

:-)

Obama and Osama

2011-05-05T14:21:00.003-05:00

Before we go any further, for those of you who don't already know, I am an Obama fan. Even before the Osama bin Laden "get." I don't always agree with how he or the Dems handle some issues or how they sometimes roll over and play dead to the Republican politicians but I voted for him and will do so again in 2012.

I feel sorry for our President. He's damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. He's been blamed for the mess Dubya got us into. It took Bush 8 years with no accounting for spending and anyone who questioned his administration on anything being called "unpatriotic" and "against us" (us meaning the USA) and the Obama-haters expected the new president to wiggle his nose like Samantha in "Bewitched" and make it all go away in 2 years or less. He's been blamed by Republican politicians for the two wars we're in (where $2 billion a day is being spent), even though neither war, started by Bush, now seems as though they was necessary. He's criticized for pulling troops out of Iraq and criticized for not pulling them all out or pulling them out sooner. He's criticized for not showing his birth certificate, then criticized by the same exact people because when he did show it, it was "why is he wasting our time with this when there are so many important things to do?" He's been called illegal and stupid by Donald Trump (I won't even dignify the stupidity of The Donald criticizing anyone). When the Republican politicians/Teabaggers complain he's not focusing on a certain issue and then he does, then they whine that he's not focusing on a different issue. There's been so much of trying to discredit Obama that even when he does something (like issue an order to eliminate an individual who is feared and hated on nearly every continent - and no, I'm not talking about Dubya or Cheney) that a majority of the world should be grateful for, he's damned for that.

No, Obama was not right there with the CIA and Seal Team 6 to take Osama bin Laden out. But, as the Commander-in-chief, it was his job to give the order to do it. Unlike our former president who allowed ObL to escape at Tora Bora and gave a "shrug his shoulders, what's the big deal?" attitude when he announced in 2003 that ObL wasn't his focus anymore and that they had stopped looking for him. Why didn't Republicans see that as a "let me rub all your noses in the dirt and ashes of Ground Zero" moment, I'll never know. But...I'm not talking about Bush here. That's always for another time.

So Barack Obama announced on Sunday evening that Osama bin Laden had been killed by US Forces in a compound 35 miles away from a Pakistani version of West Point, a fortress with 12-foot walls and razor wire with a sign in front that identified it as a 'Girl's College.' Really? And that didn't raise suspicion with anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Seriously, not to be intentionally politically incorrect but Helen Keller could have seen through that! And we're supposed to believe that the Pakistani government - who we give billions of dollars to in aid every year - never had a clue? I think that statement alone speaks the loudest about where their loyalties lie (literally).

But back to President Obama. He gave orders the kill the world's most wanted man. His detractors say, "Don't give him credit. He wasn't there. The Seal team did it." True. But these are the same people who gave credit to Dubya for capturing and killing Saddam Hussein. Funny...I don't remember 43 being anywhere near the hole they found the Iraq leader in. The detractors say, "Bush deserves the credit, he began the whole campaign." Really? See 2003 statement above. I have my own theories on why Bush discontinued the "search" for bin Laden and also why he isn't trying to cash in on the victory now. George W. Bush was NOT a reclusive president. His administration was very good about grabbing credit when they thought it was owed. I won't say something stinks in Denmark but something definitely stinks in the suburbs of Dallas.

Anyway, now the detractors say that "they don't believe he's dead" because even if the White House released a photo of bin Laden's dead body, it would be "photoshopped" and "faked." Something tells me if bin Laden isn't dead, he would be laughing at the USA right now by releasing a picture of himself holding a newspaper that has the headline of 'Bin Laden Killed.' Detractors say that Obama, ordering the body cleansed and dropped into the sea, out of deference to Muslim faith and sensitivities shows that he is an extremist sympathizer. Really? And if he didn't and it had caused an immediate reaction/attack from the extremists, they would have criticized him for that. Now it's the golden photo. Not releasing the photo of bin Laden's bullet-ridden head in death has drawn criticism and had the President made the photos available A) people would have claimed it too gruesome and graphic for public consumption and Obama must have an agenda for that and B) he shows it and it causes a reaction crying "disrespect," he'll be blamed for whatever retaliation that caused.

Mr. Obama, you can't win.

I don't get it...George W. Bush earned the disrespect he got from his doubters. Obama? Like I said in the beginning, I'm not always thrilled with the way he has handled everything during his presidency and I would be thrilled if the Democratic party would get a backbone but, honestly, the tar and feathering of this President by the Right just reeks to me of racism.

Good on you, President Obama! Slow and steady wins the race. You know...when it's not being stolen.

Filming The Movie

2011-04-18T17:38:00.002-05:00

Alrighty, Sports Fans!

We filmed and wrapped the interior shots for the movie based on my short story, Requiem. Now all we have left to film is the funeral scene, which will be done in two weeks, with the permission and support of a local, historic cemetery.

I have to say that being a part of a film that is based on my writing is an interesting experience. Since I also worked as a grip and a script supervisor and a clapboard operator and a prop provider, a craft service/caterer and a co-producer, it was hard to remember that it was actually my story the actors were performing. When one of them would come to me and say, "Can I say it this way instead?" or "Do you mind if I add this here?", I would think why are they asking me? Then I would remember, oh, yeah...I'm the writer.

It was all kinds of surreal.

I think it will actually hit me when I see the results of the managed chaos on film.

Big, big thanks to Brenda, TJ, Jennifer, Susan, Amy, Savannah, Aimee, Rusty, Chris, Craig, Yuri, Leslie, Marty, Steven and Nibby (the production cat) for making it happen.

I also want to thank all the people on the Facebook RequiemDADT page who have been so supportive. You all just rock!

I will be back with more info and pictures as the process progresses.

An Open Letter To The VA...Again

2011-04-11T14:45:00.002-05:00

Dear VA:

You are, at once, a blessing and a curse. My love/hate relationship with you continues.

Today, I received a bill from you for medications. One is a new medication and the other is an old, trusty one. Now...I probably shouldn't be surprised but since I just spent the last six months reporting you to two different members of congress in two different states for removing money from my disability checks on a quarterly basis when my annual income is waaaay below your listed poverty level (and then threatening to turn me over to the Dep't of Treasury if I didn't pay), I must admit that today's statement left me a tad nonplussed. Since 2005, you have been removing about one-third of my monthly disability payments every quarter, even though I dutifully filled out the required "means" test information that provided you with the data that should have rendered taking money from my military compensation null and void. Yet, you continued and phone calls, emails and snail mails from me resulted in frustration as I attempted to straighten this issue out. Funny how, when I finally got Congresswoman Mary Jo Kilroy in Ohio and Congressman Peter Welch in Vermont involved (for both VAs), you miraculously saw things in my favor. I had to hand-carry my social security statement of my income since I started working to the VA in Columbus and mail it to the VA in Vermont but something tells me if those statements had not been accompanied by the involvement of congress, you wouldn't have budged. Now, I might understand if all this had maybe occurred years ago but it's only been the last 6 months! After spending nearly an hour on the phone this afternoon being transferred from main "if you have questions" number to the main billing department to the local eligibility department to the local billing department and back to the eligibility department, I was told I need to fill out new paperwork because you don't have the proper info in your computers. ??? Don't you people have computers that you store information in??? Do you not share information?
This, of course, brings me to another issue with you. Why do VAs in different cities and/or states run as though they are a franchise? If a veteran is in the system, shouldn't you be able to access that record through your intranet? I have been a patient of the VA since 1983, when you granted me 10% disability for an injury I received in the line of duty, however, it seems that every VA I establish myself with never seems to be able to access any records or information on me. I have heard other veterans make the same complaint. There is only one me with that social security number. Why is it so difficult, when you (allegedly) do your research on my health issues, to find me? When the motto says: "Honoring All Who Served," shouldn't that include your female veterans, as well? Because with the amount of mistakes you make with me, when it comes to reapplying (and being denied) for an upgrade in disability, it certainly appears as though, your powers that be don't take it seriously. Come on - there are more female vets now than there ever were and you are just now starting to catch up with women's health specialty clinics. Really? I have been out of the Army since 1979 and you're just NOW beginning to incorporate women's particular health issues into your system? What, did you think we were a phase? Which brings me to another point...

Recently, I received a sixth or seventh denial from you for an upgrade in disability percentage. You keep denying me because you say there is no evidence that a foot injury that I received in 1978 has gotten worse or has affected the reliability of my other foot or caused or enhanced back problems in the last 33 years. Does that make sense to you, that even without furthering the injury, the injury wouldn't get worse with 33 years of wear and tear? Regardless of what I tell your investigating doctors about pain or ankle instability or what you have in your files (that you can never seem to find), those facts NEVER find their way into your final decision.

What I end up reading in the several page denial you (repeatedly) send me is that I never complain of pain, I walk normally, that my ankle braces are "store-bought" (uh...no, it should be in my records that all ankle/foot braces I have received have been issued from the VA, starting in Sepulveda and the right up until the VA in Vermont - why isn't that in your record?), etc. You also, in this most current denial, have me receiving treatment from a VA hospital in Florida. I have NEVER even visited a VA hospital in Florida, much less ever been in one as a patient. This is among other discrepancies that make no sense in your official refusal to upgrade my disability. Maybe it's me but...if you are going to deny me an increase, can you, at the very least, get your facts straight concerning why you are denying me? Is that too much to ask?

Of course, I realize some of this might come from the attitude of the some of the people you place in charge of performing these rituals and making the decisions. I have had the misfortune of dealing with VA or clinic employees who are not veterans themselves and openly display a "distaste" for veterans, especially female vets. I guess in a perfect world, all the people who were employed as health care workers at a Veterans Administration would be active duty military or vets, themselves. I think that might nip the obnoxious "you are clearly leeching off the government" attitude in the bud. There is a different feeling among people who served that is difficult to explain to people who haven't. Another suggestion would be please stop putting doctors who were born, raised and trained in a country that openly disrespects women in charge of women's claims. Twice now, the doctors assigned to do my evaluations for the disability upgrades would barely acknowledge my presence other than asking me questions off a written questionnaire. And, when my answers clearly stated anything that would possibly help my disability get increased (like, "Yes, I am in pain every day. Yes, my feet give out on me unpredictably. Yes, my bad foot/ankle locks" {my last eval doc actually told me that wasn't possible with the injury I had...yeah, the injury I had 33 years ago, maybe, but since everything has deteriorated, it happens now. So the "locking" symptom was never added to my list of complaints } "Yes, I can no longer stand in one general place for hours on end anymore"), it doesn't make its way to my final report. Then when I get the official denial, a majority of the testimony is the same exact testimony from denials from years before with some embellishments that I don't know where the hell they came from. I'm just one veteran and, since I don't consider myself special in any way and other vets I've spoken to (especially female vets) say similar snags have happened to them, what is the problem?

Now, I have also filed for additional compensation because of the Fort McClellan toxic ground, air, water contamination that the Army and Monsanto tried to cover up until recently. Breathing toxic air, drinking toxic water and rolling around in toxic Alabama clay that stains your skin for days is probably the reason for the particular heart issues I have that no one in my family does, for the bladder issues that have gotten increasingly worse since 1978, for the toxic shock I suffered in 1978, for the cancers, the sterilization, the multiple sclerosis and the other terminal and debilitating illnesses my military friends who took their training through McClellan have been afflicted with. The response from you? Oh yeah, that announcement is out there and even though there is some evidence of these issues from your active duty record, you need to prove to us that immersing yourself in a dangerously toxic environment we forced you to be in caused it. Really???

If you are really here for the veterans, then why aren't you? Why do you hire anti-veteran employees? Why do you hire non-English speaking doctors from countries that are trying to kill us to tend to our needs - especially as psychologists and psychiatrists? Do you think it might be a bit provoking for a veteran with Gulf War-related PTSD to have to sit for an hour and talk over his or her issues with a man who is from the area that caused the stress in the first place? What are you thinking? It's difficult enough to talk your emotional/mental/physical issues over with someone you can understand, why don't you get that it only adds to the problems when you are met with dismissive demeanors, "you're not worthy" attitudes and people whose accents are so thick you can't even decipher the way they pronounce your name? Hey, I'm all for hiring minorities but when the position is one where what you say needs to be completely understood, are you telling me the only people available or hirable are Middle Eastern? My original primary care doc in Ohio was a lovely, sweet Pakistani woman but I could never understand a word she said. I'm not against foreign doctors...as long as they have a coherent grasp of the language where they treat people (I feel the same for American docs who work in a country that doesn't speak English: Learn the damned language! Nothing is so simple that it cannot be misunderstood). Any Middle Eastern male doc you've ever assigned to me, without exception, has treated me with a superior and contemptuous manner and has, not once, ever reported to you accurately about me. I think veterans deserve better than that, don't you?

It's not as though everything you do deserves overhauling and I do realize you're dealing with constant budget cuts (which I think is outrageous - we're good enough to vow to give our lives for this country but not good enough for our government to want to give back) but I do think that the VA system in this country should be able to access information from other VAs and then be able to update it. Just that little detail alone would solve a LOT of problems. Why should vets have to resort to fighting you with their congressional representatives to get what they are owed in the first place? Why is the concept of "if you are a veteran, you should be allowed to be cared for through an administration that is named after you" so difficult?

It really is easy to see why veterans snap. I'm not one of them but I can certainly see how the frustration you dish out constantly could make it happen. A little communication between VAs is not too much to ask, is it? You are creating many more problems than you are solving.

Just a few thoughts.

Thank you for your time. Again.

The Really Scary Thing About The War on Women

2011-04-09T14:46:00.003-05:00

Not that the war on women's rights isn't scary enough.

No, I've found something that, to me, is more frightening and that's female misogyny. Yes, I said that right. Females who are anti-women's rights or even worse, anti women.

I have a mantra that I say: "I must stay away from Anne Rice's Facebook page." It's not that I have anything against Ms. Rice, in fact, quite the opposite. She posts topics that are newsworthy and ripe for debate. The problem is the issue always seems to get around to women's rights (usually a woman's right to choose) and when that is the subject, there is no debate, there are only "my way or the highway" attitudes from the other side.

Anyone who knows me, follows this blog or is friends with me on Facebook knows that I am staunchly pro-choice. That does not mean pro-abortion. I honestly have never met anyone in the 55 years I have been alive who is PRO-abortion. It means that I am, have always been, will always be in favor of a woman's right to choose what she should do with her own body.

I was prepared for the fallout from men regarding this issue. A majority who post there are anti-abortion and think nothing of condescending to anyone who disagrees with them with laughter and name-calling and vitriol one would expect of a male who never, ever has to be faced with the choice or a pregnancy. From their comments, these are men who are absolute on their opinion that women were put on this earth solely for the purpose of serving the dominate male in their life. Like I said, I was prepared for that and I take them with a grain of salt.

What I was not prepared for, however, was the attack from women on other women. If it was just the "abortion is murder" phrase that is repeated over and over, I can take that. I don't agree with it but that's someone's opinion and it is not for me to say it is right or wrong. What I try to do is tell the other person that it hurts no one to have the opinion that abortion is murder, what hurts people is when the opinion is forced into law and infringes on someone else's rights to her own body. I try to give them a reverse example, like what if you were pregnant and forced, by law, to get an abortion against your will - wouldn't the intervention and violation of your rights to have that baby be wrong? Yes, is the response, because "abortion is murder." No, you're not hearing me. I get you. It's not the "murder" issue, it's the "rights" issue. I hear, "It doesn't matter because abortion is murder."

::headdesk::

It's a frustrating thing to try and debate with a brick wall. But while I was at my trusty little computer, trying to get someone who was born ten years after I was already out of the Army to understand that people are allowed to have another point of view and it should be respected, nearly having ripped every hair out of my head, I realized that there is a new trend of females out there. And they are the ones who really scare me.

I half expect women who are my age and older to still cling to the opinions of their husbands and the men who have always dominated their lives. Even though, my generation and the generation before fought really hard for women to stop being used and seen as just an extension of a man, I know a lot of women who were raised in an environment where they were abused if they behaved as though they had a brain. Still, women fought hard to be seen as equal and I thought the least generations behind me could do is appreciate and respect that fight. Apparently, I am wrong.

Now, before I get emails, let me say that I know it isn't all women but I am clearly shocked by what I am seeing as far as the number of younger women who post online who are really anti-women. Especially when they say things like, "If a woman doesn't want to get pregnant, she should keep her legs closed" or "then she shouldn't be having sex." Aside from the stupidity of that statement (because women are also beings with feelings and desires and should have just as much right as any man to get that itch scratched), why are they putting the entire onus on the woman? They perpetuate the myth that "boys need to be boys" and they are free and clear of any responsibility what-so-ever. That guys are free to stick that thing anywhere, anytime and they should be praised for doing so and if it results in an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy, it doesn't matter that the guy took no initiative to protect himself (because protection isn't just about preventing birth, it's also about preventing death), it's all the girl's/woman's fault. I understand why men think this way because it's been passed down from fathers to sons that boys can have sex with anything that moves (or doesn't) but women are sluts for sleeping with one partner before marriage. I don't understand our younger generation with women continuing and empowering this myth. I'm not advocating loose morals for anyone but I am saying that when it comes to sex, there should not be a double standard. I don't care what anyone tells you, men do NOT need "it" more than women do, it's just that they have been given carte blanche to be sluts themselves through the centuries so they just "believe" their balls will turn blue if they don't have sex when they feel like it. I mean, do girls really still fall for the "I don't wear condoms because they're too small and hamper my enjoyment" line (first of all, if any male is so big that a condom won't fit him, he needs to see a doctor immediately because he has more problems than just a hampering of his enjoyment)? Do they still fall for any line a guy gives them? Shouldn't their mothers and fathers tell them that a guy will tell a gal ANYTHING to get her to have sex with him. And I mean ANYTHING. And that's one of my other issues - why are we still raising our sons to think that's okay? If we were teaching our sons respect for women in the first place, we might not have the number of abortions we have on a daily basis.

This was another issue I have with our anti-women generation - no one thinks the father of the fetus should have any responsibility. Oh, he didn't stick around? Too bad, so sad, the woman shouldn't have opened her legs...even if he promised marriage, togetherness, even if the case is rape and incest, it's the mother's fault. The new cry is "the 'baby' shouldn't be blamed or punished for the wicked deeds of the father." But it's okay for the woman to be punished. And that's the sentence women want to give other women. Oh, you got raped? Must have been something you did to provoke it. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! I thought that archaic "blame the victim" mentality went out years ago. Silly me. Again, I still expect it from men but not from women.

So why do we have younger generations of women who are misogynists? Where did they come from? Who grooms these women for maturity and adulthood? Is there a secret Puritan cult growing in America that I'm not aware of? Why do so many seem to be returning to an existence of a man-dominated, man-ruled household? What happened to an equally-run household where both partners share equal responsibility? Did we ever have that, start to have that or am I really delusional?

I don't know about anyone else but I think the voice of the "new" woman is alarming and I don't want anyone with her attitude (like Michelle Bachmann or Sarah Palin who, if they weren't as physically attractive as they are, wouldn't be given the time of day by the Republican Party or the Tea Baggers and we all know it) speaking for me or running a country where I live. We're already living in the realm of the Haves and Have-Mores; I refuse to live in a country where women are forced to become Have-males. I love my men friends and my male relatives but I don't want to have to live under any of their thumbs. I never have and I don't intend to start. So what can I personally do to help battle this new misogyny?

I must stay away from Anne Rice's Facebook page. I must stay away from Anne Rice's Facebook page. I must stay away from Anne Rice's Facebook page...

The Passage of Nearly 40 Years

2011-04-09T10:02:00.002-05:00

Me as a senior in high school.

Me as a senior citizen.

Time has gone by quite fast. Soon it will be time for my bucket list.

My New Video

2011-04-05T22:51:00.002-05:00

Check out the video I did called "Missing Alana." You can either click on the title or copy and paste this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1m9Q73qv3I

Our Movie

2011-04-04T20:04:00.003-05:00

We are finally doing our movie.

This short film has been 3 years in the making and the fact that it is actually becoming a reality just rocks!

We lost two directors and one lead in the process, all three bowing out due to prior commitments. This has led us to our new director, TJ Cooley, who is a local tour de force who has really gotten things rolling. We've had some grueling rehearsals, the script has gone through many positive changes and filming begins next Sunday.

The role of the chaplain is a pivotal one and was originally to be played by Gigi Rosario-Shaw. Now we have Amy Talbott in the role. Amy brings a lot of experience to the table and has taken on this part with everything she'd got. We were fortunate to get her on such short notice, as she is much in demand.

The same can be said for our two other actors, Jennifer Stepp and Susan M. Martin. Jennifer has been Carly from the beginning. She appeared in our earlier promo (and also did the narration), auditioned for the actual role of Carly, won it and has been promoting the cause of the film ever since. She has been one of our staunchest supporters and has taken Carly into her heart. If Jen doesn't already have a fan club, we have no doubt she will (at least in the LGBT community) after this film. The film introduces Savannah Gamble as Taryn, Carly's daughter with the deceased SSG Ridings, the fallen hero of the film. Although Savannah's appearance is brief, she makes a huge impression. I have the feeling if Savannah wants to do more films after this, she'll have no problem getting work. She's beautiful and a little charmer.

Susan M. Martin plays Robin, the mother of the soldier who was killed in Iraq. Susan works non-stop in the local (and surrounding states) film and theater industry and we couldn't have cast anyone more perfect for this role. We are so fortunate to have the cast and director we do and we are extremely grateful.
The film is based on my short story, Requiem:

http://xenafiction.net/scrolls/cheyne_requiem.html

Requiem won a short story contest on The Royal Academy of Bards site and after getting so much feedback that said it should really be a movie, my partner, Brenda Barton - Executive Producer - said, "why not?".

So here we are. As I said, filming begins next week and I couldn't be more excited. I will keep everyone updated.

I once stated that I would get a book published and a script produced when pigs fly. Renegade took care of the first one and when this film gets in the can, I'll have accomplished the second. So don't be surprised if you look out your windows in another six weeks and see those little hoggies soaring.

Blame me. ;-D

The War On Women

2011-02-25T10:43:00.003-05:00

What's happening to women's "rights"?

The truth is they are being stripped away from us at an alarming pace by the new Republican congress. The Republicans promised us, promised, that they would concentrate on "jobs, jobs, jobs" if elected. Now they are in congressional power and their agenda is more than clear. Since January, nearly every bill a Republican has put forward has had nothing to do with creating jobs and nearly everything to do with women being pushed to the back of the bus. The most recent, of course is the fight in Wisconsin (and Ohio, where I am), where the GOP Governor wants to bust the Unions but only the unions which cover teachers and nurses and other occupations that are predominantly female oriented. This follows the fight to destroy Planned Parenthood, whose patients are 99.9% female and the push to make abortion illegal. Again. Then there's the idiot in Georgia who wants women who have miscarriages eligible to be charged with murder and receive the death penalty.

I posted the photo of the woman in the burqa because I feel if the female population of the United States of America doesn't start screaming, "Enough!" and start fighting back, this is how we will all be required to dress and be governed by the same restrictions.

I wish I was exaggerating but I'm not.

What is more frightening to me than the GOP's war on women is the women who seem to be going along with it. Where is their self-respect? Their self-esteem? Where is their voice? Do they enjoy being controlled by the desires and whims of their fathers, husbands and sons? Are they so wrapped up in the ancient teaching of the Bible that they want to be ruled by 5,000 year old biblical law? Because at the rate people quote the Bible to further their own agendas, it certainly feels that way. Maybe the women who support their husbands' issues need to reread the "Good Book" and stop taking their husband's word as law. Times were not so wonderful in biblical times; women were barely a step up from slaves (sometimes not even) and it does seem that's the way a lot of men would like to see it again.

The attack against Planned Parenthood is clearly misogynist. Planned Parenthood is an organization that caters to women's health and family planning. I have used Planned Parenthood when I didn't have health insurance and it was my only option for health care. I have had many pap smears and breast exams and regular health check-ups. PP is affordable in their out-of-pocket costs and have provided many, many women with an outlet for their health care when they could not afford anything else. The GOP says, "Oh, we're just concerned with their abortion services." Bullshit. By cutting off their support, the GOP is well aware they are also cutting off health care for many women who have not, will not ever use them for their abortion services. The GOP doesn't care. I bet you they would care, though, if a move was made to cut off any federal funding that dealt with keeping the almighty penis functioning. Insurances will pay for Viagra, Levitra or Cialis and vasectomies and usually anything else to do with men's issues yet they will balk at birth control pills and pregnancy termination. Even though a vasectomy (and male masturbation) and buying condoms yield the same results as an abortion (halting procreation), it is a male privilege and given every green light and thumbs up. A man doesn't want, can't afford, scared of passing on genetic anomalies and gets a vasectomy and no one bats an eye. A woman gets pregnant and has the same fears and she is condemned and shit out of luck. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

But no, we don't live in a misogynist, patriarchal society.

The abortion issue is not new. Men do not want women to have rights to their own body. Sure they say it's about abortion being murder but not one of those whiners will back it up. Abortion is murder but killing an abortion doctor is not. Yeah...that's what Jesus would do and think, right? Because the argument is always "No one should play God." But it's okay if it's a man playing God by killing an abortion doctor, just not a woman playing God by terminating a pregnancy. Why can't rational people see through this?

I don't know about you but I am SO SICK AND TIRED of privileged, white males jumping on the 'abortion is murder' bandwagon. Do not kid yourselves, it's not about morals, it's about control. These pontificating dicks don't care about that baby once it is born. They are all about the fetus because they think it makes them look good to "fight for the rights of the unborn." Bully for them.

But what happens after the baby is born? Where is the support when the mother and child REALLY needs it? It's not there because the protestors don't care about that. They've done their job. The next thing they will do is whine and cry about their tax dollars going to pay for that same mother and child having to possibly go on welfare. Again, the woman loses, no matter what choice she makes and even if she has no choice.

"Put the child up for adoption," the protestors say. Yeah, good idea. Except that, unless the baby is a white, healthy one, it probably won't get adopted right away. A child put up for adoption spends an average of six years in foster care before he or she gets adopted and by that time, that child is usually beyond being able to bond with the adoptive parents. And, let's face it, if a child isn't adopted by 6, chances are, he or she will spend his or her adolescence in foster care. Which we pay for with our tax money. There are some wonderful and decent foster parents out there but there are also people in it just for the monthly income and the child's life is anything but special and unfortunately, that's more the norm than the good side of it. In those cases, the child becomes an adult knowing how to work the system and either ends up in jail (which we pay for) or on welfare themselves (which we pay for).

Then there are the other issues. There are many reasons women opt for abortion. One is that the second the woman says the word 'pregnant,' the father leaves skid marks running away so fast. Some women choose to go through with the pregnancy and have the baby alone. They also get a bad rap from the GOP as being "selfish" or "of loose morals." Do they want to draft a bill to track down the sperm donors and make them responsible? Not only no but HELL, NO. The man isn't responsible...clearly the woman did something to drive the man away. Boys will be boys but women should be sexually responsible. If the woman doesn't want to get pregnant, she should keep her damned legs closed (yes, someone actually said that to me). A man will never be in the position to have to make the decision of an unwanted pregnancy he must carry inside him for 9 months. And they obviously won't ever try to put themselves in the woman's shoes.

So, what about rape? Well now the GOP wants to redefine rape because clearly, a woman has no clue to when or if she's being raped. It's up to a man to decide that. She gets drugged or date raped? Well...that's not really rape, according to the GOP. I mean, are we really going back to the days of "Why doesn't she just lay back and enjoy it?" or it's because she was "dressed provocatively"? It sure looks like we are. If a woman conceives as a result of that rape, the GOP wants that woman to be forced to carry that child to full term. I'm not knocking the women who have made that decision and dealt with it but a majority of women do not want that constant reminder and certainly don't want to spend nine months carrying that reminder around inside them. The GOP doesn't care. Let her put it it for adoption. Right. Refer to above.

Incest. The GOP doesn't really care about that, either. Somehow the female must be responsible for the incident(s) that caused a relative to sexually assault her, regardless of her age, so she must be responsible for having a child if she conceives. She can't handle the offspring? Sure - put it up for adoption!

Which brings us to this REALLY BIG issue. The health of both the mother and child. Let's go with the baby since the health of the mother isn't important to the GOP. If the mother finds out that her child might have life threatening health issues, ones that will either cause an immediate death to the child the minute it breathes air or one that will claim the child maybe a few years after it is born, she is not supposed to react to that. For instance, the mother finds out that the baby will be born with just a brain stem, or organs outside of the child's body, or severe mental handicaps or a genetic disease that may allow the child to live a few years. Now I realize there are mothers who have made the choice to keep their babies born with these issues and I applaud them...but it was their CHOICE to keep them. What about the woman who isn't mentally stable or knows she cannot handle or afford the care it will take to keep that child breathing (notice I didn't say living) until the child dies. Again, how many fathers take off because they can't handle having a sick or handicapped child? The fathers are NEVER held responsible in the protestors eyes, it's ALWAYS the woman. How many people are going to rush to adopt babies in these situations? There are a noble few but it is not the norm. Once again, we will find the mother and child most likely seeking help from government and state assistance, and what's the first thing the GOP will do about that? You got it. Complain.

They want to FORCE these women into situations where they will have to seek government help and then will blame the women for not making better choices. But there's no war on women...

Look, I understand and respect that there are people out there who really believe abortion is murder and are against it. But I only respect them when they also respect that there are circumstances that dictate that sometimes women have to make the choice to abort. They don't like it. Fine. Then don't do it. But to vote to take away a woman's right to choose what to do with her own body because you don't like it? Talk about the height of selfishness.

If the GOP and the Protestors against abortion were more responsible after the fetus they fought so hard to save was born, maybe I wouldn't be so consumed with anger at their actions. But they're not. They want to repeal Obama's health care bill so that pregnancy will go back to being a pre-existing condition and start the dependence on government from the beginning. Nobody wins in the long run.

How many of them, once they've prevented the abortion, check to make sure the mother is getting proper pre-natal care? How many of them, after the baby is born, offer their financial or emotional support in person? How many of them financially contribute or volunteer time at hospitals or orphanages to make sure the child is getting all the care and opportunities their own children get? NONE OF THEM! Because they don't care! Because it's not even about concern for that baby, it's about controlling a woman's rights. But I bet if women were allowed to sue the protestors and politicians for child support until that child was 18, the GOP's and protestors tunes would change really fast.

So...the big question is how do we make it stop? When is enough enough? Do we try to plan a massive march on Washington to protest? What do we do and when do we do it? The GOP does not listen to the people, they just go ahead and push bills forward that have more to do with stripping rights and stripping jobs than doing what they promised. And we're just standing around and letting them do it.

I have spent my life not being told by any man (including my father and drill sergeants don't count) how I can live my life and what I can or can't do with my own body. I will be damned if I'm going to start allowing it now.

There is a war on women and I want to know where I can enlist to defeat the enemy, even if that's other women.

Scattered Beliefs.

2011-01-04T20:50:00.004-05:00

I believe there really is such a thing as Age-Activated ADD and that I have had it since perimenopause.

I believe in love in degrees. I believe in the unconditional love a mother feels for her child and I believe in the committed love one feels for his or her partner and I believe in the love people feel for their pets.

I believe in sex. I believe that the right sexual experience can make a person feel whole. I believe that the wrong sexual experience can make a person really understand there is such a thing as bad sex.

I believe that sex should never be used as a weapon, either emotional or physical.

I believe love and sex should never be confused as having anything to do with each other.

I believe in the power of a single kiss.

I believe pain is good for the character but not for the soul.

I believe everyone has a soul but I do not believe in heaven or hell. I believe in reincarnation but not in karma (even as much as I joke about karma being a bitch).

I do not believe or disbelieve in God. I do not worship a supreme being. I believe that too many fanatics have bastardized the traditional God in the name of their own personal religious agendas.

I believe we all are born with a specific mission in life of which we are consciously unaware. When that mission is completed, we move on to our next life and our next mission.

I believe in and love my born-again Christian friends who are gay. Their faith is strong enough not to have to push it onto everyone else. We can agree to disagree without losing our tempers or friendship.

I don’t believe in the validity of the bible. I think if kings and popes can have passages and verses removed with which they don’t agree (like, in Constantine’s case, anything remotely to do with reincarnation), then how do we know what’s the true word of the Lord and what his followers are really supposed to believe?

I believe in counseling but sometimes it takes a few therapists to find the right fit.

I believe in the curve of a woman’s breast. Size doesn’t matter to me; it’s about the beauty of the shape.

I believe in being comfortable in my own skin. If someone doesn’t like looking at my skinny, scarred legs or gnarly toes, that’s their issue and not mine. Look the other way.

I believe in a good, competitive game of pool where skill wins as opposed to the ego. I believe that opponents should never walk away from any game enemies.

I believe in freshly prepared sushi, corn picked off the stalk and pizza with anchovies.

I believe in good champagne.

I believe in cold beer and hot coffee.

I believe in indoor, white “Christmas” lights being up all year around.

I believe “To Kill A Mockingbird” is, perhaps, the best novel ever written.

I believe that my age does not make me a less viable employee and that I shouldn’t be dismissed after an interview just because I am older. I can pretty much guarantee I have a better work ethic than most of the kids that are hired today.

I believe security officers should be taken more seriously and should be paid more. Is it fair to pay a (usually experienced) person minimum wage and treat him or her like a mat under your feet yet expect him or her to put his or her life on the line for you, your employees, your business, your family or your property?

I believe that I am a true patriot; that just because I don’t trust the government doesn’t mean I don’t love my country.

I believe Lee Harvey Oswald and Sirhan Sirhan did not act alone in the Kennedy assassinations and James Earl Ray did not act alone in the King assassination.

I believe, after all I have seen, heard and read, that The Bush Administration was either complicit in or responsible for the 9/11 attacks. Too much of the official story doesn’t make any sense and too many contradictions make it suspicious.

I believe, as do families of WTC victims and NYFD rescue workers, that the 9/11 Commission and government appointed investigation was a farce that answered no pertinent questions about what really happened that day.

I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing a politician using his/her personal religious agenda while representing their constituents in making law or voting on a law or amendment.

I don’t believe members of our government or the wealthy should ever be allowed to be above the law.

I believe professional actors and athletes should not be paid millions of dollars per film, episode or game.

I believe politicians who are excessively wealthy should not be allowed to represent the huddled masses. They cannot and will not identify with the average voting public. Their gross misrepresentation of “the people” and the country’s “needs” is how and why our country is in the situation it is in.

I believe our world would be better off with less corporations and more privately own companies.

I believe anyone who feels it is okay to reward excess with more excess while demonizing the salaries of teachers, firefighters, police, soldiers, etc., should be forced to publicly reevaluate their own values.

I believe Reality-TV (with the exception of game shows) is the downfall of television entertainment as we know it. And I have two words to prove it: Jersey Shore.

I believe in erotic love scenes in movies that don't show sex acts in an explicit way.

I don’t believe in media that still believes in degrading women.

I believe the Church of Latter Day Saints is a powerfully dangerous cult.

I believe the Pope may be one of the most dangerous men in the world and that the Catholic Church may be the most dangerous organization. Too much power, too much manipulation, too much misogyny, too much contradiction. I believe Catholics deserve better.

I believe everyone should speak at least one language fluently other than their own.

I believe everyone should know how to play at least one musical instrument, even if it’s just the kazoo.

I believe anyone who abuses an animal should be punished in the same manner as the abuse they inflicted on that animal (and that includes Michael Vick).

I don’t believe in rewarding famous athletes who have been convicted of a crime against a living being (i.e., Michael Vick, Mike Tyson) with (anywhere near) the same jobs and salaries they had before the crime. It sends the message that their behavior is, ultimately, okay. I’ve worked in corrections; abusive behavior like theirs is ingrained and personal redemption is rare.

I believe instead of putting prisoners on death row, they should be sentenced to the rest of their lives being lab rats. Make them give something back to society – wouldn’t it be nice to find a cure for cancer on Charles Manson? Or have found a cure for AIDS on Jeffrey Dahmer?

I believe a woman’s body is her own and should not be subjected to any laws. What she does with her body is her own business and between her and whatever higher power she believes in. If we’re going to regulate the activity of woman’s vagina than we also need to regulate the activity of a man’s penis.

I believe that any entity that prevents a woman from having an abortion should be, by law, financially responsible for that child until that child is 18 years old.

I believe there should be only one race – the human race. I believe we should all be taught to respect, embrace and learn from each other’s differences.

I believe true friendships can overcome anything.

I believe in hunting only to kill what you need to survive. If we really cared about “thinning out herds,” we’d be hunting each other.

I believe if the Miss America/Miss USA pageants must continue, the swimsuit and evening dress competitions should be eliminated and replaced with competitions much less superficial and representative of 21^st Century women.

I believe I will never, in this incarnation, see an equal society where people are judged by the content of their character, not who they worship, the color of their skin, who they love or what does or does not hang between their legs.

I believe people should be able to believe in whatever they want without someone calling them names just because they don’t happen to believe in or agree on the same things. Who’s to say who is really the nutcase?

I believe that being a woman is a blessing and a curse.

I believe that not all men listen to their little head before their big head, that there are good men on this planet who put others before themselves and that they are worthy of love, praise and respect. That aside, I believe as Annie Savoy said in Bull Durham, “a guy will listen to anything if he thinks it’s foreplay.”

I believe that I have many more beliefs but my mind is too clouded to think of them right now.

Happy Holidays

2010-12-21T12:44:00.002-05:00

I wish everyone safe and Happy Holidays: A Merry Christmas, a belated Happy חֲנֻכָּה, and a Happy New Year!

Ramblings

2010-12-20T13:30:00.003-05:00

So...Don't Ask, Don't Tell has been repealed! It's great news, it's historic but I think I'll hold off my celebration until after President Obama signs the paperwork. As for our film, the repeal does not affect the content of it because our film is set in 2006 and it deals with aspects of the policy that have still not been addressed.

*****

I completed NaNoWriMo in the allotted time. I wrote 50,100 words in a month. I started a novel which I tentatively titled "Dallas On Cue,"and I think it has potential. We'll see.

*****

It's been an interesting and full couple of weeks.

First, my uncle died. He's the little old guy in the photo with me. He was my father's

younger brother. He was 80. My Uncle Red was very dear to me and, although I was not in a financial position to go visit him in the past 2 years, we spoke on the phone every few months. Anyone who knows me knows I hate talking on the phone and will only do so when necessary but my uncle did not have access to any other mode of communication except snail mail so calling him to catch up was not that much of a sacrifice. Someday, I will dedicate an entire blog entry on my uncle but today, I will leave it at he was a wonderful, emotionally generous man who deserved a better ending than being strangled by throat cancer and I already miss him tremendously.

I hope he finds plenty of trout-stocked ponds where he is now and shares them with Adam and my step-father. I hope he gave my grandmother and Spanky and Rusty a big hug and kiss for me.

*****

Brenda, in her line of duty, took a horrendous fall (not that any fall is ever pleasant) and landed on her back end. The photo is of her major bruise. The identifying area has been altered a tad with iPhoto to cause her less embarrassment (just FYI). Anyway, she landed so hard, she jolted just about every muscle and bone in her body and she is now on light duty. She cannot afford (physically) to fall again as she might not be as lucky the next time, especially with that area of her body still so vulnerable to injury. As a letter carrier, Brenda carries a heavy mailbag (she delivers mail in a location where most of the houses have many steps to their front porches so a mailbag on wheels would not make a difference or a lot of sense) and this time of year, people need to be cognizant of keeping the paths to their mail boxes clear and free of ice and snow. Shoveling, sanding and salting protect the letter carrier from injury and the homeowner from potential lawsuits, so keeping those pathways clean is only a win-win situation.

*****

My mom accompanied me to my dentist appointment on Friday as we were going to go grocery shopping afterward. As I was having my teeth deeply cleaned and my gums and tongue were anesthetized by some numbing agent, someone from reception came running into the room and said to the assistant performing the cleaning that "she's on her back on the floor." When the cleaning abruptly stopped, I was told that it was my mother they were talking about. So...I rushed to the waiting area and, indeed saw my mom on the floor. The dentist and another assistant were standing over her and told me that they had called EMS (whose station, thankfully, is only 2 blocks away) and that neither saw what happened but they heard her fall. I noticed immediately that she had a nasty bump on the head (with some rug burn) over her left eye. I fell to my knees to talk to her and every word came out like that episode of Xena, In Sickness And In Hell, where Gabrielle says, "Thee hath thtopped the fwow of bwood to your bwain..."

Less than a minute later, the paramedics were there. Mom was conscious but disoriented and frightened and I wasn't much help. I'm sure at first the paramedics thought I was some kind of challenged because they asked me questions like "what happened?" ("I can onwy thpecuwate - that thee pathed out in the chair thee was thitting in, feww forward onto her weft knee, weft shouwder then weft thide of her fathe - thankfuwy, the fwoor was carpeted") and what medications is she on? (Weth'th thee...Pwavix, Wethinopwiw..."), and when's her birthday? ("Apwil thixthteenf"). You get the picture. They weren't sure if she had a stroke or it was her heart but the got her to Riverside ER quickly where they did several tests on her. In the meantime, her bruises had begin to swell and color but her disorientation was gone. They admitted her for a concussion and observation but let her go home Saturday afternoon.

Her bruises look worse (than in the photo, which was taken on Saturday) but she actually feels better. She has to go back on Wednesday and have tests done on her heart to see if she might have another blocked artery. That was the cause of her passing out before her surgery in 2008. Hopefully, they will find it and fix it.

*****

My EBV/CMV have decided to rear their ugly heads. I think the stress of the past six weeks has triggered a reactivation. I know there are a lot of people including doctors who still believe that Chronic Epstein-Barr Virus is all in one's head or is a "catch-all" phrase for not being able to figure out the "real" issue. I say to those people: Live in my body during an activation on the virus. If anyone wants to know more about Epstein-Barr, visit this website:

http://cebv.org/

*****

I think that's it for now. If there was more to say, I can't remember. ;-)

Nature of The Beast

2010-11-28T11:40:00.002-05:00

While trying to reach my goal of fifty thousand words for Nanowrimo (see below post) before November 30th (I'm not there yet, I still have about 3500 words to go), I began to work on another story. The result is now posted on my website. It's called Nature of the Beast. If you click on the title, then click on "Hot Off The Computer," it's the last story listed.

There is a serious, heavy warning about this story and it needs to be paid attention to.

This is not a fluffy, feel good Xena Uber. It is a dark tale. I originally was not going to write it as an uber but then I thought if readers pictured our favorite couple in the lead characters, it might make the subject matter a bit more absorbing, although I doubt there can be much to like about the issue of same-sex rape. I thought by suggesting it was a Xena Conqueror uber, people might automatically understand the UberX character is not a nice one. Whether that will make a difference or not, I don't know.

I also don't know why my muse bugged me so about this story but she did and it's now finished and, thankfully, out of me. It was not written gratuitously and if anyone gets turned on by the violence in it, I suggest a quick trip to a therapist. The fact is that same-sex rape exists, the act itself is ugly but so can be the reaction of community and sometimes law enforcement and health workers. In some areas, it throws women back to the era of "Clearly, it was a misunderstanding on the victim's part" or "just lay back and enjoy it (and by all means, keep it to yourself)."

Nature of the Beast is explicit and there are no apologies for that. It needs to be to get the point across. Like same-sex abuse in relationships, same-sex rape has been swept under the rug for too long. There are bigger cities that take same-sex rape seriously and handle it just as they would any allegation of sexual assault but there are many more places that don't take it seriously and that is only compounded by that area's gay community's reaction, especially that area's lesbian community. They don't want to believe that what they considered testosterone-induced violence has invaded their sisterhood. Well, it has and if we know anyone who tells us they are a victim of it, we need to believe them and help them find assistance.

This is not a personal story, nor, to my knowledge, do I know anyone this has happened to. To my knowledge. And therein might lie the problem. I would hate to think that one of my friends or acquaintances might be holding this terrible secret for fear of disbelief and, worse, backlash. If this story can raise awareness or enlighten then I guess it was worth it to delve into this dark place.

I believe I will eventually submit this story to sites I usually submit my fics to (without the artwork) but because of the subject matter and explicit violence, I will understand and certainly respect their wishes if they do not want to post it.

Now...back to Nanowrimo and the mission of reaching 50,000 words before the deadline.

Stuff

2010-11-20T12:41:00.003-05:00

I am up to 41,000 words on my Nanowrimo project. I have until the 30th of November to make 50k. I think I can do that. I don't have a name for my story yet but it will be something theater-ish.

I am finished with one shorter story that my Beta is checking out now and almost finished with another short story. Both may be posted on my website before my NaNo story. I guess NaNoWriMo inspired me.

*****

We've been having an interesting discussion about the cost of dental work over on Facebook. Brenda talked me into finally going because I have lost two fillings. Neither hurt so it was fine with me to stay away but as they will only get worse, I finally went.

Here's my issue: I can tolerate the pain of sitting in the dentist's chair (even though they never seem to give you enough novocain to not make it hurt; the LEAST you should expect from the amount of money you pay to a dentist is that they should make it TOTALLY painless) because the pain passes. I resent the amount of money dentists charge for their services. I don't believe that a patient should have to mortgage a house or barter with their first born male child to pay for a filling. Especially when ten years down the road, technology improves and you will be told your dental work needs to be replaced...at the cost of your child's (or your own) full college tuition.

Dentists claim to care about your oral care. Bullshit. If dentists really cared about your oral health, they would come down on their prices. They would make dental insurance more affordable. They would not demand payment in full. They wouldn't try to make you feel guilty for not being able to afford the "commitment" to fix your teeth by trying to talk you into going deeper in debt. Anyone who works for/has worked for a dentist can tell you that what you pay for what they pay for materials to fix your teeth is about a 300% mark-up. It's not about your oral health - it's about their greed.

That's what irks me about going to a dentist. I haven't been in 10 years and after what I get what I ABSOLUTELY have to have done, it'll probably another 10 years before I go again. If I could afford dentures, I'd have them all pulled and get false teeth. In Mexico.

*****

My friend, Tom, says TSA stands for Temporary Sexual Assault.

I am somewhat amused by all the complaints about the TSA's new techniques for trying to keep our skies and passengers safe. People who don't want to be intimately ogled opt to be intimately groped. And complain about both.

Okay, here's the deal. When terrorists get onto planes with devices on them or in them, who is the first to get the scrutiny and the blame? The TSA. The same people who are complaining about the TSA violating their privacy and person are the same people that complain that the TSA doesn't do their job when something happens.

You can't have it both ways.

I assure you that if the TSA could install crystal balls and not have to touch a passenger, they would do it faster than you could blink an eye. Since they can't, they have to do what they have to do to keep YOU safe. If you think they can just look at you and tell you're not a terrorist, you're wrong. And metal detectors are good but cleverly diabolical people have learned how to make really destructive things out of plastics and other undetectable materials that the wand or the metal detector cannot distinguish.

People with sinister ideas and plans are not as inept as the shoe bomber and the underwear bomber. If you don't think wheelchairs, walkers, canes and prosthetics can hide explosives, you're mistaken. If you don't think people can "pack" explosives or weapons up their body cavities, you're wrong. When I worked in a prison, we had a guy who 'packed' a 15 oz. bottle of Prell Shampoo (Don't ask...I guess he really wanted clean hair); if the TSA won't allow anything more than 3 oz. of liquid or fluid permitted on a carry-on, can you imagine how much damage someone could do with 15 oz. (or more) of liquid explosives?

People who really want to cause damage are unscrupulous. Yes, children under a certain age should be exempt from pat downs but not from scanners. There are people who sell their children to junkies for a $10 fix. Do you think for a second, these same people wouldn't sell their child to a terrorist for a thousand times or more than that amount? Do you think just because someone is young or old, they are exempt from being used as pawns? They are not. Anyone is fair game.

If you don't want to go through the full body scan then you have to go through a pat-down. If you are serious about air safety then have to compromise your privacy for the five minutes or less it takes to complete this procedure. Yes...they have to touch you there. As an ex-cop and an ex-corrections officer, I know that's the first place people who want to get away with something hide a weapon or contraband. Let me assure you - the TSA doesn't want to feel you junk any more than you want them, too. I hated frisking people but I valued my life more than I did their dignity or privacy. Like I said, in the beginning, you cannot tell just by looking at someone that they do or don't have something evil on his or her mind. You can tell the difference between a search and a grope. And I can pretty much guarantee that if you have been groped, you won't be the first to complain and that TSA agent will be removed from duty and those incidents are rare. Very rare.

TSA agents have to take a lot of crap for the piddly amount of money they get paid. One of the reasons I didn't pursue employment with the TSA was the responsibility to pay ratio. So, give them a break. When I go into an airport, I know what they are doing is for MY safety. I would opt for the full body scan and be done with it. If I had to submit to a frisk search, I would do it. Is it all uncomfortable? Hell, yes, but give me 5 minutes of discomfort than a lifetime of being a horrible statistic.

Just sayin'.

*****

Yesterday I had to go to a colonoscopy class. Seriously. The VA is giving classes on colonoscopies. I'm scheduled for my very first one on December 7th (yes, it will be a day that will live on in Infamy for me). I've had a sigmoidoscopy in the past (not pleasant - no relaxers or sedatives) but not...the big one. I'm about 5 years overdue for my first so I'm not opposed to having one. I know I'll be knocked out for it. What I hate about these tests are the preparations. Three days of a specific low fiber diet, one day of total clear liquids PLUS the "cleanser." The cleanser is a gallon jug of Colytely that tastes worse going in than I'm sure it does coming out. They tell me this one is pineapple flavored (insert gagging sounds here) but she also suggested I get popsicles (anything but red or grape) to suck on to numb my taste buds before I drink it.

And my colonoscopy is not scheduled until 1 PM (they said they reserve all morning appointments for diabetics) so I am supposed to drink half the solution the night before and the rest the morning of (insert more gagging sounds here). Oh well. At least it will be over and done with on the 8th.

*****

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming. For me, that's FOOTBALL!!!

NaNoWriMo

2010-11-04T12:48:00.002-05:00

National Novel Writing Month. If you click on the title, it should take you to that website (although it loads slowly, so be patient), where you can read all about what it is and what goes on.

I have never participated before and right up until two days before it started, I hadn't planned on participating this year, either. I'd heard so many of my writer friends talk about it every year but I always thought, No, why would I want to put myself under that kind of pressure? Then I stopped thinking of it in those terms and started thinking about it as a challenge. As my friend, The Raven, can tell you, I LOVE challenges.

Can I complete a novel in 30 days? I don't know, I've never tried. I have so many stories half-written, three-quarters finished and ideas on the back burner, there's no reason why I shouldn't concentrate on completing one of them instead. Then I thought, why not try to come up with something new and just let the ideas flow and see what comes out of those 50,000 words. As of last night, I had logged 10,024 words. Not sure anything makes any sense at this point but, hopefully, I can thread it all together before November 3oth.

Since one of the rules is that you can't enter something that's already been written, I was clueless as to what I should write about. I began to search my basement boxes of loose papers and notes of ideas or a few pages of random dialogue I had put aside to someday create a story around. I narrowed it down to three ideas:

A private investigator who doesn't speak French is hired to investigate a case in Paris.

A cop with a troubled brother who makes her life a living hell.

A playwright who helps her best friend run a semi-professional community theater.

The first one intrigued me because the notes made me laugh. Then I thought, can I do the needed research in 30 days to make it sound plausible? After all, I don't speak French (except for being able to ask for a beer and a bathroom) and I've never been to Paris.

The second one I think I could have finished with no problem and met all the criteria. The notes I dug up are extensive but it's not very upbeat and even thinking about it makes me depressed. I think it's a good story and I need to tell it but I have been in too good a mood to bring it down by writing that.

So I decided on the third. I worked in semi-professional, regional and community theater (although not for a LOOOOONNNGGG time) and I occasionally get the itch to want to return. I'm thinking that writing on this story intensely for a month will bring me to my senses.

Now all I have to do is keep up with a decent daily word count, see what I can come up with and see if I can wrap it up in 27 days.

Guess I won't know until the times up.

Here's my NaNoWriMo page if you want to check in on my progress:

http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/716937

I'm shouting out a good luck to all participants and here's hoping we all have success in whatever personal goals we have set for ourselves.

Must go write now.

Later!

This and That

2010-10-07T11:31:00.002-05:00

The photo was just to get your attention. :-D

Actually, it was taken at a ghost town in Arizona when I was there three weeks ago. It's still difficult to believe that I've already been there and have returned. I went to California for a few days and then to Arizona for a few. It was a great escape and I thank my dear friends and former Army buddies for helping me get to the reunion. We've taken a vow that it will NOT be another 25 years before we're all in the same room together again. Funny...once we got together again, it seemed like no time at all had passed. I love friendships like that.

******

Surgery update:

I went for my post-op check up this past Monday and all looked good. So I just need to convalesce for another four weeks and I should be back to 100%. Hopefully, I will behave. The operative word there is 'hopefully.'

Yesterday, I received a letter in the mail from the billing department at the VA telling me that they weren't going to cover the bill for anesthesia. A cost of nearly $800. I suppose I should have freaked but I actually expected something like this, only I was a little more geared to get a bill from them for the whole procedure. I guess they okayed the procedure but expected me to throw back some whiskey and bite on a strap of leather while they cut me twice externally and once internally.

The thing is I understand that the VA is trying to cut back on expenses because their budget is constantly getting cut and they need to compensate wherever possible. I also understand that if a veteran goes to a facility other than the VA for treatment and the VA doesn't authorize it that the veteran is responsible for that cost. But the VA authorized this surgery and they had to outsource it because the VA doesn't do Urogynecology. Women vets have been around for how long now and the VA still doesn't have in-house resources to accommodate their female patients? Does the military still think female soldiers are still a phase? Anyway, since the procedure was authorized, they are responsible for the entire cost so I called my VA primary care doc who ordered the surgery and talked with her assistant who was aghast that I had received such a letter. She said she'd pass the info along to my doctor and an hour later I received a call from the assistant who told me not to worry, the bill issue had been taken care of. I would venture to guess that my doc may have ripped someone in billing a new butthole because this isn't the first time she has had to deal with an issue between the (male) powers-that-be in administration and the medical treatment her female patients need and deserve. Especially if the vets' issues are service-connected, which mine is (even though I get nothing in disability compensation for this one, it is still listed as service-connected).

I will be interested to see what they come up with for next month? Charge me for the painkillers I didn't get until 2 days after the surgery? We'll see.

******

The recent epidemic of suicides of gay youth is tragic and unacceptable. I'm not a big fan of Kathy Griffin's but she is so right when she says the government has blood on its hands regarding this issue. High profile politicians and radical religious leaders and cults like the Mormon church can't get enough air time to tell the LGBT community that they are bugs to be squashed under the shoe of "morality." We shouldn't have the right to marry, we shouldn't have the right to openly serve our country, we shouldn't have the right to live honestly and in some eyes, we shouldn't have the right to live at all. But, boy, when it comes to our taxes, they certainly want us to pay equally. These people stand on their soapboxes and say horrible things about us, call us perverts and deviants (even though THEY are the ones obsessed with our sex lives) - and those are the nicer of the descriptions they use - they tell the ones who believe it that we will all burn in hell because our very being is a sin and then they look appalled when our gay youth commits suicide.

What the f*ck do they expect? They send out the message that being gay is like being fathered by Satan, their words and actions incite hostility and then they feign being shocked when it results in incidents of violent gay bashing (with deadly results in some cases, like Matthew Shepard) and suicides. The hate has got to stop. And it won't stop until individuals at the top start using their 'right to free speech' and start constantly and openly calling out the politicians and religious leaders by name and ridiculing them for their part in this crime. I'm all for being diplomatic but that only applies when all parties play fair.

As far as I'm concerned, the Mormon church is the last entity that should be pontificating about morals, not with their "secret" polygamy sects and the way they treat women, not to mention they way they abuse their 501(c)(3) tax status to further their hate.

******

Christine O'Donnell says that she admires Jim DeMint the most. Really? Even though he's a homophobic misogynist? A SINGLE woman whose sister is a lesbian admires this man? I wonder what she thinks of his statement that gays and single women who have a sex life shouldn't be teachers (yeah, because it's been the single female teachers and the homosexuals who are statistically the ones who seduce their students - I say, dryly, rolling my eyes...) but says nothing about single males who have a sex life. I would think, according to Mr. DeMint, Christine O'Donnell shouldn't be a politician or shouldn't do anything really but go to church and wait for a man to come rescue her from being single and start making her barefoot and pregnant. My God, where is the self-esteem of these frightening tea-party women? I won't even get into the 'no abortion even in cases of rape and incest' rant. I'd be here all day.

*****

We had a new front screen door put on yesterday because Liam had gone through the screen in the last one and we never got around to fixing it. The installer, a young man who contracts outside the store where the door was purchased, and I got into a friendly discussion of politics. We have signs up in our front yard that show us as being in support of the Democratic party. The installer is a die-hard Republican. We talked quite a bit while he worked on the door and it was the kind of discussion I don't mind having with someone who doesn't agree with me on several issues. Without even bringing up the way the Republican Party reviles gays, we found that we agreed on a lot of the minor issues that affect our every day lives and that we weren't so far apart on at least half of our political views. I love intelligent debates with people where you can bring issues down to ground level and can agree to disagree and nobody raises their voice.

*****

That's it for now.

:-)

Surgery and Stuff

2010-09-23T09:17:00.002-05:00

Tuesday, I had surgery that I have needed for years. Thanks to good ol' Uncle Sam and the toxic contamination of Fort McClellan, Alabama, my bladder has not functioned correctly since 1979. In plain terms, I have had the bladder function and incontinence issues of an 80-year-old since the time I was 24. Because of this the VA awarded me a service-connected disability of - ready? 0%. Over the last 20 years the condition has, of course worsened and the VA has promised me corrective surgery and has never delivered. Until this week.

Finally, because I have a primary care doctor from the Women's Clinic, surgery was scheduled for the 21st to tighten things up a bit and insert a sling. Now, because the VA clinic here in Columbus isn't used to dealing with female urology issues, I was outsourced to Riverside Methodist Hospital in Columbus. They are a hospital world known for their heart and stroke facilities so I was quite content that a reputable hospital and a surgeon I trusted would be performing this procedure.

I was scheduled to be at the hospital at 2:10 for pre-op and to go under the knife at 3:40. The surgery was supposed to take 45 minutes to an hour and then I would be in recovery for one to two hours. What is that quote, something about the best laid plans of mice and men?

I got to the hospital, accompanied by Brenda and my mother, at 2:00 and was sent upstairs to be prepped just about 10 minutes later. I thought, "All right, right on time." I changed into my gown and slipper sox, answered all the pre-op questions, got my IV placed into my left arm (actually my left wrist) because the vampire, I mean phlebotomist, had the respect and courtesy to ask me which arm I preferred the IV in. While I was explaining to her that the veins in my right arm usually got scared and rolled over the second a needle came anywhere near them and also answered admission information to someone standing behind her, another vampire came in and poked a vein in my right arm to draw blood. ???!!! When I asked what that was for, they said they needed to type me and some other identifying info. I told them they could've just asked me. I am O-Positive and CMV-positive. I guess they just didn't want to take my word for it.

Then everybody left us and we waited while the IV dripped away, putting fluid into my system. 3:40 came and went. 4:00 came and went. 4:30 came and went... Lactated Ringers are still flowing through my system (I asked for a caffeine IV because I was not allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight the night before but they said, "Uh...NO"), right into my bladder and I was not yet catheterized. No nurse came back to check on me or to update me on why I was not in surgery yet. Finally at about 5:00, after half the IV bag had been deposited, I sent Brenda in search of a nurse who could get me an IV pole so that I could make a deposit of my own.
Soon I was back and bed and another half-hour or so passed and the Anesthesiologist came in and asked me a few questions and told me I would be out during the procedure (glad to hear that!) and left. About 15 minutes after that, the surgeon's assistant (his Fellow) came in an introduced herself and told me they'd be in to get me shortly. Then my surgeon showed up and said they'd had a delay (really?), an issue with robotics and that they'd be in to get me shortly (do they rehearse this stuff?). Finally, when the guy in scrubs came in and made me put on a little hat, I knew it was time.

I said my goodbyes to Brenda and my mom and was wheeled into the OR, where the anesthesiologist dispensed something into my IV line and said, "Let the party begin." I remember being in mid-sentence about something and that's all. I remember the last time I was given anesthesia, they said, "Count back from 100." Me: "One hundred, ninety-ni."

When I awoke, I vaguely remember my surgeon standing in front of me, saying all went well. He then went out and told Brenda and my mom that I was awake and talking. Really? Well, he didn't say I was actually making any sense.

Now the fun began. I have three incisions - two external, one internal. The first urgency I felt was the urgency to urinate. I had a catheter in so they said to just go ahead and urinate. It felt like I couldn't, I still felt full. What they didn't tell me was that I had a vaginal packing in me that was pressing up against my bladder and that's what was making me feel like I had to go so bad. The nurse (who was sweet but NOT gentle) told me that I wouldn't be allowed to go home until I could pee at least 100 cc's on my own but she didn't remove the catheter until I had been in recovery for 45 minutes. The pressure was nearly unbearable, even with pain meds on board. To make matters worse, she filled the catheter with 300 cc's of saline.

Finally, it came time to take out the catheter. I've been catheterized many times previously and it has never hurt - not going in, not being in and not taking it out. It's just never been an issue. This time I couldn't wait until that damn thing was out because I didn't know, until she YANKED the vaginal packing out, that something else was even up there. I'm not kidding when I say yanked, either. She quickly pulled out what looked like the umbilical cord from hell and then some thick, absorbent stuff. I almost went into Lamaze breathing, it was so unpleasant. Then she removed the catheter with another yank. Usually, the nurse will tell me when she's going to remove the tubing and tells me how to breathe to make it easier. Not this chick. I seriously think she needs to cut back on the caffeine.

So I'm lying there with my mouth open, a silent agonizing scream dying in my throat and she says, we need to get you up to 'void.' At this point, I'm thinking about 'voiding' something, all right, but it's not my bladder. It's standing right next to me. Since I'm still naked under my hospital gown, she tosses me this mesh thing and a sanitary pad that's about as big as a queen-sized pillow and says put these on and we'll take you to the bathroom. I finally realize this mesh thing is underpants and she finally remembers, "Oh, yeah, this patient has just had surgery and might need some assistance," and she helps me put the underwear on, then she helps me to a chair (not a wheelchair, a hospital chair) where I try to sit gently. Not on this nurse's watch. She barely waits until I'm seated and races the chair off to the bathroom in another room down the hall. The wind was awesome. Now I know why dogs stick their head out a window when a car is moving. I also never realized those bumps in the floor where the doors close could be so painful.

She gets one of those measuring hats, puts it in the toilet and sits me down, telling me to make sure I don't miss the hat and leaves me. For ten minutes. In a bathroom by myself where there's no cord to pull if I have an issue. Or pass out. Or panic because she doesn't tell me it will be nothing but blood on the first try. So I'm trying to pee without straining anything and it feels like I've peed Niagara Falls but when she comes back, she tells me it's only been 50 cc's. Back to bed I go.

She gets me some cranberry juice and some saltines (my first 'meal' in nearly 24 hours) and I tell her I have to 'void' again. I sit in my chair and go for another ride to the bathroom. Where I sit for 15 minutes by myself this time. Still, only 50 cc's. Sigh. Back to bed I go.

By this time I've been in recovery for three hours. Brenda has taken my mom home, gone home and let the dogs out and fed them and when she comes back they let her come upstairs to recovery. In the meantime, I've seen every patient around me come and go but I'm still there. While Brenda is there, the nurse has called my surgeon who says, I must pee one more time and it must be at least 50 cc's. The nurse gets me two more cups of cranberry juice. Then she removes my IV. She rips the tape off, rips the tegaderm off (along with every arm hair in the vicinity) and then yanks the IV out, while I hold the cotton ball over the access point. I look over at Brenda, who is gaping like I was when the nurse yanked out the packing and the catheter. Hell, I used to it by now. That invasive removal was a piece of cake, comparatively. I walk to the bathroom, solo this time, and do my obligatory 50 cc's and come back and report. The nurse calls the doc and the doc says to release me. Yay!

I change back into my clothes (but cannot zip up the loosest pair of shorts I own because I am so swollen) and Brenda points and tells me that I have magic marker on my belly. Again? The last time I had surgery, they drew on my belly and every doctor, fellow and resident at Dartmouth-Hitchcock came down and looked at it! It looked to me like it was either directions to a keg party or plays for the Dartmouth football team. Brenda said it wasn't that elaborate this time, that it looked like a cross (and if that's so, boy were they barking up the wrong tree). I ignore it and get my instructions and prescriptions for stool softener (not looking forward to that next bodily function...talk about Lamaze breathing...), vaginal cream and percocet. Ah, yes...lovely percocet. I'll still hurt but I just won't care. I get 2 percocet before I leave to come home. I remember very little after I get home, other than, "Oh yeah, can't lay on my sides or tummy. That hurts."

The next problem becomes the issuance of the prescriptions. I don't have insurance so I can't pay for the scrips and they are going to have to be reissued through the VA. The VA here closes at 5 PM. So I awaken the next morning and I have nothing to take for the pain and the percocet from the night before has already worn off. I called the doc's office and asked them to please FAX the scrips to the VA. They called me back 2 hours later and said they cannot FAX the percocet scrip because it is a controlled substance and FAXing that is illegal. So I called the VA, explained the situation and they said to come in and they will transfer the scrips. I told them I am not allowed to drive or ride in a car for two weeks because of the seatbelt across my pelvic area. The woman on the other end of the line says, "Well...how did you get home from the hospital?" I told her I was driven but I had to hold the seatbelt away from my surgery area. We arranged to have Brenda drop the scrips off to my doc and then she would send them down to the pharmacy. Because of the hour (it was afternoon by then), they said nothing would be ready until tomorrow (meaning today). So that's already one day with no pain meds. This morning I called the VA and they said that the scrips were ready to be picked up. I asked if there would be a problem with Brenda picking them up since I could not and they said no, as long as she had my ID.

Right.

In the meantime, yesterday, I'm home and have just awakened from a nap, having taken some tylenol PM and I hear the tornado sirens go off. I turned on the TV to see the Emergency Broadcast System alerting viewers to a tornado warning and to get to your basement now. I get out of bed s-l-o-w-l-y and hobble down the hallway and go down a flight of stairs to the basement. Within ten minutes the storm has moved on and I now have to go upstairs. Going up and down stairs is something I am not supposed to do for another 2 - 3 weeks. When I make it back upstairs, I go right back to bed and gingerly lie down. Two more tylenol PM.

This morning, before work, Brenda drove to the VA clinic and went to the pharmacy and, of course, the scrips weren't ready. She had to take a number, wait for it to be called, then talk to a pharmacist. She did that and had no problem but then she ended up waiting and waiting for my name to appear to let her know my scrips were ready. She called me and I call my doc's office and have to leave a message. I tell them the situation, adding that this is now my second day without any pain meds and could they please call down to the pharmacy and see what the f&%#*ng hold up was?" Not more than two minutes later, Brenda called and said she had them and she was bringing them home.

So...I just took one percocet (because I figure if I can tolerate the pain without it for two days, one shouldn't be overkill for what I'm feeling now) and I'm going to go back to bed for a while.

Now...if the surgery has only worked (something I won't know until I cough or sneeze...two functions I hope DON'T happen until I am well healed).

Glad I went to CA and AZ before my surgery...

Film Progress Report

2010-08-30T12:45:00.005-05:00

In case I haven't mentioned it lately, we are moving forward with our film, "Requiem: A Soldier's Tale." After months of reorganizing our company, 3 Grunts Productions, we have finally begun to get closer to an actual date to start principle shooting.

If you haven't seen the promo, please click on the title.

We decided on our cast last month. It wasn't an easy decision because there were so many good candidates for each part. We decided on the actors who best embodied the characters I had originally written in my short story, Requiem. Except for Savannah Gamble, who will play Taryn, the young daughter of Carly Metcalf and SSG Alana Ridings, each of our actors has film experience and brings a lot of talent to the table. Savannah will help bring the innocence of the story to the forefront. This will be her first film and after seeing the presence she has on screen, we are positive it will not be her last.

The other actors are Susan Martin as Robin Ridings, the mother of the deceased soldier, GiGi Rosario-Shaw as Lieutenant-Colonel Breelyn Guthrie, the chaplain who visits the Ridings home for grief counseling and Jennifer Stepp as Carly, the lesbian partner of SSG Ridings. Alyssa N. Taylor will be seen in photographs and flashbacks as Staff Sergeant Alana Ridings.

Many of you who have seen the promo will recognize Jennifer and Savannah. Brenda (Barton, one of the producers) and I had never seen either Jen or Savannah act or deliver lines and what they did in the promo really wasn't an indication of whether or not they could pull off the characters in the film. We made them audition with the rest of the women who showed up for the casting calls. They were wonderful, they were Carly and Taryn and that was good for the sake of continuity, so they were cast.

We have done some casual, "home video" shots at the beach and will do more casual shooting right up until our proposed principle shooting, tentatively scheduled for late October/early November. We are still gathering crew for the film and have recruited some extremely gifted talent who are quite well-known in our local and statewide film community. Some are straight but have been so moved by the content of the script, they want to be a part of it. And we definitely want them here. We don't care what anyone's orientation is as long as they are on board with the vision we have for this project.

The main issue that keeps pushing our progress back is funding. The problem with most film grants is that they want to see a completed film before they decide on giving you the grant. We need initial funding to get the film made and then we will appropriately apply for grants for the post production. Applying, however, doesn't mean that the grant will come to fruition. We have had a lot of people sincerely say they will help with the funding, they will donate because they all feel a film like this needs to be made and, because the subject matter is so timely, needs to be made NOW. Yet only a few have been able to come through with sending donations. We held a fundraiser at Slammers, a local business, and raised a nice little amount but it was about $10,000 short of what we need.

We know times are tough for everybody and we are thankful to the generous people who have donated so far. We feel grateful that our cast and crew are donating their time and talent to get this film made but without proper funding, we cannot rent equipment and space, we can't complete post production and we can't market it to the companies and individuals who can help make it a success. Although making a lot of money on this film would certainly be nice, we realize that the most important thing is getting the film out there and seen and that promotion and marketing would most likely take a lot of our resources. Still, we all agree it will be worth it.

We tried going through Kickstarter but the clip wasn't promoted so we got the pledge of money from friends but not nearly enough to reach our goal. Next we will try IndieGoGo, so look for us there.

Our target audience is not the gay community. They are well aware of the issue and don't need to be convinced. We also know the conservative religious right will not be the first (or last) in line to see this film. It is our desire to reach the fence-sitters, the people who, for one reason or another, haven't formed a specific opinion about gay marriage or Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Those are the demographic we wish to see this film. We previewed the promo to a mostly straight audience in Cincinnati and the response was enthusiastic and encouraging. The most common response was "I had no idea..."

We are slow but sure in getting this project to the screen. Everything is beginning to cycle forward and it seems like each new individual that signs on has become the perfect fit, the next missing piece of the puzzle.

Hang in there with us. We promise a timely, moving, strong film. And if you can happen to spare some change...

http://www.3gruntsproductions.com/donations.html

Moving On With Life

2010-08-30T10:58:00.002-05:00

In a few days, I'll be 55. I can't say I don't know how I got here because I can say, without hesitation, that I have thoroughly lived (and mostly enjoyed) every one of my 55 years. I made a decision recently to stop trying to pretend I'm not the age I am. It might be different if, despite how I behave most times, I looked years younger than I do. I am the one who looks in the mirror every day and I know I look every one of my years. I earned these lines and wrinkles and I earned every white hair I have (and gave my mother most of hers). I am post-menopausal and I breezed through the physical aspect (one year, that's all) of "the change." Emotionally? Not so much. Four years of wondering if I was succumbing to the strain of mental illness that runs on the maternal side of my family because everything felt like it was falling apart around me. Four years of depleting energy, of life in general exhausting me, four years of diminishing self-esteem because there is no work available especially for 50 plus females like me who, regardless of years of experience, skill and training, we're still 50 plus females who've been out of work for years (this was the first time, since getting out of the Army, that I have not worked). Four years of feeling growing uselessness in society, four years of my dignity, confidence, self-respect swirling down the toilet and the antidepressants didn't seem to be helping (I can only imagine what kind of mental shape I would have been in without the antidepressants...). Four years of my appearance changing so drastically that I didn't recognize myself in photographs anymore. And then I realized that everything changed because I was changing; I am getting older and if I don't accept that and go with it, I am going to be in very serious trouble.

So I decided to stop fighting it and embrace it.

A funny thing happened when I made this decision - I've started to feel better. I've stopped agonizing over my weight. I've stopped dying my hair to look younger because I discovered it was only making me look older. I had my hair cut short to let the white roots grow out, to let it be natural. I've stopped cringing every time I look in the mirror. I've stopped worrying about not having what is known as a "legitimate" job because I am now doing what I love and have always wanted to do: I'm writing books, making films, producing art and composing music. I am finally tapping into my creative side. Presently, I am not bringing in much but I know, in my heart, that will change.

In the meantime, I will continue to write novels and screenplays and draw and orchestrate and I will continue to contribute to the household by doing all the house and yard work and some of the cooking. I have the support and faith of my partner who works her day job and works for our production company in the evenings and on the weekends. I know, at some point, my financial contributions will be equal, if not more, and I know that the only one I have to please in the present and in the future is myself. If I do, in good conscience, what empowers me, it emotionally empowers everyone around me. So...

In this time of personal reckoning, I will offer no more apologies for who, what, where, how and why I am. I am me and I cannot be anyone more or less than me. At this age, I am either liked or not, appreciated or not, productive or not and respected or not but I will not change because someone who claims to love me or have my best interest at heart doesn't approve of who I am, what I do, where I decide to do it, how I live or why I do what I do. Love me or not, accept me or not, what you see is what you will now get until the day I no longer exist. I expect nothing more, nothing less of my circle of family and friends, why should I expect less from myself?

The only thing I regret is that I didn't (maybe couldn't) realize this sooner. I would have saved myself - and others around me - a lot of frustration.

;-)

Politics and The V.A.

2010-06-24T19:11:00.004-05:00

My request for an increase in my disability was denied again. For the fourth time in five years. I will once again appeal that decision and once again be put through the same barrage of tests and, more than likely, be denied yet again. I currently hold a 10% service-connected disability for a foot injury sustained in 1978. Since 1979, I have spent my working career performing law enforcement and security/security management jobs, using the training and experience I learned as a military police officer in the Army. Since my honorable discharge in 1979, I have spent most of my working life on my feet. I have been wearing a brace (provided by the VA) on that ankle since 2000. In 2005, I found it increasingly more difficult to spend the required 8 hours on my feet (as is usual for most jobs in my line of work) or even the approximate 4 hours in a supervisory position. The residual effects of that injury has weakened my foot and ankle to the point where it gives out without warning. There are two other medical issues related to that 10% disability, each which has deteriorated over the years as well but not enough in the VA's eyes to award an increase.

I did not ask for a full increase. I asked for enough so that I might be compensated for possibly only being able to work part-time (so far, no luck in even finding P/T, but that's a whole other rant). Right now, a 10% disability is $123 a month. If I were increased to 25%, I would be eligible for free school. I could put my background experience to work and learn how to battle cybercrime. The VA says No Dice. They tell me that little to nothing has changed in the 32 years since my injury. Of course, I beg to differ and that statement makes no sense because everything about one's physical being changes from the time they're 22 to the time they're 54.

Now, I realize, in the grand scheme of things, when people are now returning from the war with traumatic brain injuries and missing limbs and other severe medical problems incurred while in service, that my little foot problem is small change. On the other hand, I shouldn't be punished for the idiots in government who make these detached decisions about me and all the other veterans whose injuries affect the rest of their lives.

I could say it's a dick thing because the military is still - regardless of the fact that there are more female veterans now than there ever were - a good ol' boys club but that's not the problem. Well, it actually is a problem but it's not this problem. This problem is purely money and politics.

It should be a national disgrace that our VA system is as broken as it is, yet the people who have the power to fix it and make changes choose not to do so. Our political leaders can scream until they're blue in the face that they support our troops but then they forget about them once they are no longer useful on the battlefield or in garrison.

The government will promise our youth anything to get them to enlist and go off to fight this black hole of a war but fail to deliver once the deed is done. The military has broken its commitment to its troops. The troops were promised good care in return for their sacrifices. Yet the wounded and disabled return from defending our "freedom" (IF they return) and have to fight yet again to get that care and some of them have been fighting longer to get care and compensation for the injuries they received than they spent in the actual service. Their lives (and the lives of their families) are disrupted for, perhaps, the rest of their lives and there is no priority on the part of the government and politicians to fix it. Saying that's pathetic is being way too polite.

In 2004, Bush cut the VA budget by a billion dollars. The Bush Administration spent upwards of $1 Billion a WEEK on a lie of a war, destroying a country that didn't want our interference in the first place, sending our soldiers to get their butts shot off because it was their "duty." Then they cut the budget so that the GIs who return from the war (the Bush Administration created) without limbs, paralyzed, brain damaged or other various debilitating injuries have to now almost sue to get the medical help the government OWES them. This was Bush's thank you for the dislocation, the burdens, the family disruptions, other related family emergencies, the suffering, the sacrifices and the lost lives. Instead, money that could have been shaved off other budgets and used to improve our VA system, went to, say, $350 billion tax cuts, $550 billion payoff to pharmaceutical and health insurance companies (it was "only" supposed to be $350 billion but, oopsy, somebody pushed the wrong button), among other monetary breaks for Bush's most enthusiastic campaign supporters. Support and budget for the Veterans Administration has consistently gone downhill since.

Let's not forget the Walter Reed Army Medical Center scandal in 2007 (again on Bush's watch) which revealed black mold, rotted holes in ceilings, floors and walls, stained carpets, cheap mattresses, rodent droppings, belly-up cockroaches and stale, toxic smells. The wounded tend to other wounded, soldiers diagnosed with psychological disorders have been put in charge of others at risk of suicide. It has also been reported that untrained clerks, unqualified military personnel and burned out case managers blindly fiddle with elementary needs such as helping a brain-damaged soldier remember his or her next appointment, among many other issues. The elevators don't work, the garage doors don't work, sometimes there's no heat and no water. Grants were authorized for improvement and when staff put in for equipment and maintenance, they were told there that funds were no longer available.

And if that isn't enough, according to another report, there's the exasperating mountainous pile of paperwork. The typical soldier/veteran is required to "file over 22 documents with eight different commands -- most of them off-post -- to enter and exit the medical processing world, according to government investigators. Sixteen different information systems are used to process the forms, but few of them can communicate with one another. The Army's three personnel databases cannot read each other's files and can't interact with the separate pay system or the medical recordkeeping databases." This is supposed to have been improved. If it has, it is TOO long overdue. It never should have gotten this bad in the first place.

And this was supposed to be the crowned jewel of VAs. It still hasn't been fixed, it's only been patched and the bigwigs in charge are still trying to cover it up. If Walter Reed can be so below standard and the powers-that-be-are allowed to look the other way, what hope do the other military medical facilities that cater to veterans have?

Veterans for Common Sense and Veterans United for Truth filed the suit in July 2007, alleging that the VA is responsible for a "systemwide pattern of abusive and illegal administrative practices." The lawsuit claims the VA failed to deliver the mandatory two years of disability benefits for veterans, failed to address staff problems that led to long wait times for care and provided insufficient care for post-traumatic stress disorder. The lawsuit also claims the VA deliberately reclassified PTSD claims as pre-existing disorders as a way to avoid paying out benefits.

The Bush administration in 2008 filed arguments in a lawsuit in the U.S. District Court of San Francisco stating that veterans have no legal right to specific medical care (meaning anything they could stop paying for, even service-connected issues). Wasn't that supportive and loyal of Bushy's bunch? Get your butt over there and do the dirty work for our politicians back here but be sure to bend over and grab your ankles when you get back because that'll be your thank you.

We are suffering from a trio of presidents who never spent time in the military - oh, wait, I forgot Bush was in the National Guard but obviously so did he because he neglected to physically report to duty when required and phoned in his military "service" instead. Clinton rescinded lifetime health benefits for WWII and Korean War vets (not to mention DADT and DOMA but that's a whole other issue), Bush...well, see above...and the jury is still out on Obama. I think one of the requirements for future Presidents of the USA is that they should have ACTIVELY served in the military for AT LEAST two years. I think that would make them think a little harder when it comes to throwing the VA and the vets to the lions. I also believe that before Congress okays another act of aggression that may (needlessly) endanger the lives of our soldiers, they should be made to give a sworn statement or take a polygraph as to whether or not they would send their own children or grandchildren to fight the battle. That should be the litmus test for declaring war. If we are attacked, that is different but Iraq did not attack us (and don't even get me started on the Bush Family being in bed with the Bin-Laden Family). It's all nasty politics and it's all about spending money only when it will be returned to the pocket of the lawmaker. The VA system won't give the politicians anything back unless monies set aside for independent contractors affiliated with the VA are connected to the individual politician. All while wearing their flag pins.

And our active duty military, our part-time military, their families and our veterans suffer the consequences.

So once again, as I'm sure is the case with many others, the VA has said to me, "Thank you for your service to our country, now go to hell and take the horse you rode in on. Oh and by the way, that 10% we send you every month? Well, every three months, we're going to take 10% back for medication you shouldn't be paying for in the first place." Since the government won't grant them any money, I guess they have to get it any way they can.

I'm surprised I haven't been sent one of those "Death Books" the Bush Administration came up with that was sent to veterans which basically suggested (diplomatically, of course) that we are not needed anymore, we have fulfilled our usefulness, now why don't we kill ourselves and save the government money.

Imagine an administration feeling that way about its own veterans and the grunts still on active duty. And the "love" continues to flow in the way the VA is ordered to treat the country's best and proudest citizens.

How patriotic.

Father's Day

2010-06-17T10:45:00.006-05:00

Father's Day. It's always a dilemma.

That's my father in his teens with his three younger brothers, Lawrence, James and Robert (my father, Lloyd, is the tallest one).

The reason Father's Day is such a conflict for me is that my father was never really much of a "dad." He was nicer to me than he was to my brother when we were growing up but that's only when he was around, which was rare. My father was a long-distance truck driver for a moving company and he was gone a majority of my childhood. When he was home for long periods (meaning maybe a week), we did do some fun things, which left my mom being the hardass disciplinarian and my father as the fun one, even though he maybe spent six weeks, at the least, home out of ever year. There were a few times he acted like a dad but those times were rare. The most, up until my teen years (when he was involved in a truck accident, messed up his back, and was moved from driving into dispatching) was maybe ten weeks out of a year but I think I'm being generous. When I was a teen, he moved from dispatching to supervision to manager of the moving company and even though he lived at home, we still rarely saw him because he "worked" from before we got up in the morning to sometimes after we went to bed at night. I have worked in quotations because we found out later that my father was a philanderer of almost epic proportions. He chose to be away from his wife and his children at any and every given opportunity so he could continue to selfishly sow his oats with just about whoever would open their legs for him (female or male, he didn't discriminate) and lavishly spend money he didn't have on his conquests. All this, while my mom inventively created meals with whatever was in the cupboard or the fridge to feed us. Mom finally went to work when both my brother and I were in high school so that finances would be a little easier. My brother went to work, part-time after school, at 16. I wasn't allowed to work while I was in school, which is probably a good thing since I could barely manage a C-average in my studies without that distraction added into the mix.

My mom suspected my father was unfaithful and confronted him with it and even left him three times that I can clearly remember but he always came after her and begged her to come back. I think I resent them both for that. I resent him for lying and saying he loved us and needed us and I resent her for going back to the same old crap. They stayed together allegedly for "the kids" but let me tell you - it was a bad decision for all of us. Don't ever stay together "for the kids." Kids will adjust and probably go on to live a life with less struggles (mostly self-esteem). Kids know when Mommy and Daddy don't like each other and it's hard on them for many reasons. In the long run, it is much easier on the children if Mommy and Daddy split up and find their happiness with other people. My mother, to this day, says she never really loved my father and my father finally admits that he never should have gotten married and had kids. So in the 28 years that they were married, four lives were destroyed. Well done!

My father was away for most of the important events of my life. Insincere apologies were made for missing them. It was harder to find out later in life that he didn't have to be away during those times, he chose to. It was hard to find out later in life that he was more of a dad to his girlfriends' kids than he was to my brother and I. I also know I have at least one half-brother out there whom I have never met (and probably never will). Like I said, my father wasn't very discriminating, I often wonder how many other half-siblings I have scattered around the country.

There was a period of approximately ten years where my father seemed to have disappeared off the face of the earth. Even though he rarely had much to do with us after he and my mom divorced when I was 25, occasionally he would call, drop a postcard or just pop in out the the blue. For this ten year period, we didn't hear from him, couldn't locate him, it was as though he was gone and had never existed. When he did resurface, he never talked about where he was. My brother and I thought he might have died (possibly from AIDS because I doubt safe sex was in his vocabulary) but, no, that wasn't the case. We concluded, then, that he was most likely in jail (as that was right after the time he was caught having embezzled a LOT of money from the company who had continued to employ him through all his indiscretions; talk about arrogantly biting the hand that feeds you...). He still, to this day, doesn't talk about that ten year expanse of his life.

When my father did resurface, he just kind of showed up, as though nothing had happened. He was in contact for a few years, then he wasn't. When he called me to chat, he was usually drunk. When he was close to where I lived one time (he went back to truck driving in his later years), he called really late and said he was an hour away and wanted to come visit me the next day and finally meet my partner of eight years. He was okay with my being a lesbian (not that I cared whether or not he approved) because he said he certainly couldn't condemn me for things he'd done himself. Anyway, the next day, he called and said he'd decided to take on a shipment to San Diego instead and that he'd see me the next time through (we hadn't seen each other in 9 years at that point). Although, it didn't surprise me, it finally pissed me off enough to cut him completely out of my life.

In 2007, he moved back to Rutland to the apartment ABOVE where I was staying with my mom. I was furious because I didn't want anything to do with him but there was going to be no way I could avoid him. He moved in while I was on my 3 month cross-country trip. When I got back to Vermont, I bit the bullet and went upstairs to confront him. Since I hadn't seen him in so long, I was shocked by how old he'd gotten and how bad his health was. I decided to make peace with my anger and perhaps salvage what time we may have left together on earth. I haven't forgiven him, nor will I ever forget how his absence and neglect affected my life but my anger will hurt no one but me. So here we are - him at 82 and me at 54 and still struggling to reconcile our father-daughter relationship. It's still a work in progress.

Here's my dilemma: there are no Father's Day cards that accurately represent our relationship. I certainly can't send him anything that talks about how he was always there for me or what a great dad he's always been or how I could always count on him. None of those cards fit. The same goes for a birthday card or Christmas card or a card for any event that marks a special occasion. I wish I had the money to come up with a company that makes cards for this kind of problem as I know I can't be the only one who is in these circumstances.

So I will call him on Sunday and we will kid and joke with each other, ask about each other's health and not get into anything too deep. We never do. Everything stays on the surface. I know I'm talking to my father but it, in reality, I'm talking to someone I barely know. It's awkward.

It's a shame, too, because in the grand scheme of things...I miss my dad.

It's An Honor Just To Be Nominated

2010-06-10T18:58:00.002-05:00

I know a lot of people nominated for awards say that (see title) but now that I have been nominated, I truly understand the sentiment. It is an honor not just to be nominated but to be short-listed. I did not win in the category of "Debut Author" for Renegade but that did not diminish the excitement or the privilege of being included in the ceremony.

Golden Crown Literary Society (http://www.gclscon.com/) held their annual conference last week at the Hilton in Downtown Disney, Orlando. The conference lasts three-to-four days and provides seminars, classes, panels and readings with writers in all genres of lesbian and bisexual fiction. The conference starts with a "meet and greet" social event the night before the official schedule begins and ends with a buffet breakfast the morning after the awards ceremony. It is an event where women (and occasionally, a few men) gather from all over the world to learn more about authors, readers, publishers, books, the art of writing, publishing, editing and much more. It is where old friends reunite, new friends meet and form lasting friendships, everybody networks and everyone has fun.

This was my second year at the GCLS Con. Last year, I was there with our dear friend, Tracy Bricker. I was lucky to be with Tracy my first year. I only knew a handful of people but Tracy knew everybody (and vice-versa) and before I left, I had so many new friends, I couldn't keep up with them all. This year, Brenda was able to go with me and the same thing happened with her. For me, it was like a family reunion (with relatives you actually like and enjoy being around) and I honestly did not have time to see everyone I wanted to chat with. In fact, there were a few I only had a chance to wave to from across one of the many rooms.

I am inspired by the GCLS Con. For a few days, I get to mingle with some of the best known names in LGBT fiction. Their enthusiasm is contagious, their personal stories are compelling and their inherent talents are obvious. I come home from GCLS and strive to be like them and wish I could harness the energy and motivation to continue the incentive I feel until the next Con. I am moved to write, to finish (at least one of) the five or more stories I have started and are sitting on some back burner. Last year, I got so tied up with trying to help put the film version of Requiem" together, that I put my writing aside and submitted nothing new. I will not let that happen again this year. I'll still work on the film but it will not take priority over my writing.

The other great part about the GCLS Con is the party. Every night, after the panels & readings are done and suppers have been had, a good portion of the group gathers around the lounge area/pool table and just schmoozes. It's easy to find a conversation that matches your rhythm and then you jump in with your own beat. Attending the programs during the day is enlightening; attending the hobnobbing around the lounge at night is illuminating in so many other ways.

The Con culminates with an Awards ceremony (the Goldies) and a dance. Books are nominated, then shortlisted, in advance and secretly voted on. Just like any other award protocol, the winners are announced the night of the ceremony, and everyone always seems happy for the celebrated, whether they're with a different publisher or you were in the running against them or not. It is an evening of solidarity and camaraderie and we may all be back in competition with each other the next morning but, for this one night, we are all each other's fans.

The photos above are of the PD Publishing table at the ceremony, walking around Epcot and dinner in Germany at Epcot. I had just met six of the people in our Epcot group this year. I now have (at least) six new Facebook friends.

If you are a writer (published or not) or a reader of lesbian and bisexual fiction, I highly recommend the GCLS Conference if you can afford it. It is an experience you will not forget. It is certainly what you make it but with this crowd, it's difficult for it not to be a positive learning experience.

A Little Behind The Scenes Video

2010-05-16T17:56:00.004-05:00

This is a little behind the scenes video Brenda put together from photos I took at the Requiem Promo shoot. It features Chip Willis, Alyssa Taylor, Jennifer Stepp, Savannah Gamble, Debra Stepp and Judith Taylor. The background music is by me.

A Soldier Is Born

2010-05-16T17:08:00.003-05:00

A video of stills from the Requiem photo shoot. This features Alyssa and Chip. Photos were selected and edited by Brenda and the photos and music are by me.

An Award For Renegade

2010-05-02T12:08:00.001-05:00

A HUGE thank you to all the members of LFRCA who voted for Renegade! :-D

A Belated Birthday Lunch For Mom

2010-04-23T12:54:00.002-05:00

A week ago today, my mother turned 82. On her birthday (the 16th), my brother and sister-in-law took her to Red Lobster, which was a treat because my mother loves lobster but rarely indulges because it's too expensive.

Today, it's our turn to take her out to eat and we are taking her to the Olive Garden, which is one of my mom's favorite restaurants. It's a beautiful day today, weather-wise, and hopefully, it will continue to be a good day and we'll all enjoy our food and Mom will behave and not make faces at people across the restaurant because she thinks they're staring at her (it can be such an interesting age).

I would say we'll bring the leftovers home to the dogs but...it's the Olive Garden...there are never any leftovers.